Tag Archive | thoughts

The Squirrel

DSC_7984-3It’s my fault really.  That this has become acceptable behavior.  I’ve really condoned his behavior, but he’s an inner-city squirrel so it was probably already there anyway.

I knew when I put my bird feeder up that the squirrels would indulge in its offerings. I had accepted this.  I’ve also seen the videos that prove that no amount of squirrel proofing would actually work.  I honestly do not mind, they have to eat too. I am just starting to wish I hadn’t bought such a cute bird feeder.

It took a while before they realized that it was there.  The bird feeder.  Then once they did, the bird seed goes quickly.  So very, very quickly.  Sometimes twice a day it runs out.  That’s on me for filling it everyday, some times twice a day.

I can sit on my patio and they will just shimmy by me.  They try to pretend that they are part of the concrete or to act as if they are spiderman, but I always see them.  This guy, he no longer cares.  I’ve yet to think of a good name for him, but he’s a cocky one.  Moments ago he was behind my chair trying to decide if he was going to jump up on it or not.  He doesn’t know I saw him, but his reflection was in my glass patio door.  He decided not to.  I’m not sure what either one of us would have done had that gone the other way.

Once he got his fill of what was on the ground, he shimmied up the shepherd’s hook and then jumped on the feeder.  I feel that there may have been a more graceful way for him to do that, but he clearly did not.  He almost fell off a couple of times trying to get his footing right, I laughed…he ignored, this is our relationship now.

As I watched him eventually grab some food and then stretch off the bird feeder with his front half, while hanging on with his back half, all I could think was, “this is why I can’t have nice things.”

Haven’t thought of a good name for him yet, but I suspect he’ll be back.  Gutter cleaning people scared him off.  Oh, wait, I was wrong…he has returned, or it is one of the other 4 squirrels that has decided my patio is their patio.  This one doesn’t seem to care that I’m here, so I’m sure it is Mr. Bird Feeder yogi.

Hope you like the picture.  Live, laugh, love, and let it ride.
~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

Style….

DSC_7748-9I have wondered a lot about my blog.  What I should write and what I shouldn’t write.  The more I write, sometimes, the more a good picture gets overlooked.  It could simply be the curse of WordPress, lack of posting, and what not…honestly, I do not know.  But I wonder about it.

I also wonder about my photography style and the fact that I don’t really seem to have one.  For those that have followed faithfully, I’m sure that this is a topic that I have touched on before.  It feels different now.  I don’t know if it is the COVID quarantine curse, or my age. Either way, this feels different.   It could be my current perspective on life, my life.

I have realized that there are two ways of looking at life.  We either see our years as wasted and that we are running out of time, or we view it has we all these years left to live.  That was worded better, three hours ago when I originally thought of it.  The point is, I’ve found that instead of seeing my life as I have all these years left to live….I find myself focusing more on the fact that I’ve wasted so many year and now they are winding away-faster and faster each day.  I know, that is a negative thing to say.

Here’s a shocker, I’ve seen taken a break and forgot where I was going with that.  Style.  Someone I have done photos for in the past put out on FB that they were looking for recommendations for a photographer.  I tried not to take this personally, but it did hurt a bit that I wasn’t their first though; especially, since both of us are still local.  I know that I do not necessarily have experience in this particular area they are needing, but that is because occasion has never risen to give me the opportunity.  I just don’t get that many chances to actually photograph people.  And as previously discussed, multiple times, people skills is an area that I need improvement in.  I get it, I do but when satisfied customers look elsewhere-it makes you wonder what you did wrong (when you know they have chosen to go elsewhere).

That is what made me start thinking about my style, and seriously lack of people skills.  I kind of realize that I don’t really have a style.  I don’t have one particular thing that I really focus on and how the picture turns out…well, that depends on the picture and what it says to me at the time.  That sounds a little unrefined.  Cheesy.  I just really couldn’t think of a better word for it.

It’s a little funny now, thinking about my photography.  The business side has always rusted my spurs.  I’ve never really considered myself an actual photographer, people keep telling me that I am and so I just kind of go with it.  I have really always thought that I’m just a girl with a camera that gets lucky with shots every now and then.  Then I get sad about something someone said, or that they want to go with a different photographer for whatever reason, and I think that I should just hang up my cameras.  Apparently, this is where my not following through with things is kind of a good thing.  I keep at it.  Even when I’m more than ready to just say the hell with it.

I don’t really know why I stick with it.  I don’t know that it will ever be the success that I envision, there are countless photographers (even in a town that isn’t really all that big at the end of the day).  I don’t have any particular style and I definitely do not have one that will make me standout above others.  I just don’t have that gift in photography or personable.  I’m coming to terms with it.  I’m a minnow in a lake full of catfish and have just managed to fly far enough under the radar that I don’t get caught, or eaten.  It is what it is.  So, why do I keep doing it?

Probably the same reason that I keep writing even though it never goes anywhere.  I always hold out for that hope and I really just like doing it.  I guess, in the end, that is really all that matters.  My very expensive hobby and my very rusty hobby that sometimes results in a moment that makes me think I can do this.  Probably foolish, but I am always and forever a dreamer.

The picture I played with.  It was a semi-focused picture of the only flowers that I’ve managed to buy that the geese and squirrels have not torn apart.  I have some presets that I played around and this is the result of me being bored and editing the mess out of it.  This is the version that I was most satisfied with.  I hope that you like it just a bit too.

Live, laugh, love, and let it ride.
~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

Slowly….

DSC_71062Once again I’ve been horrible about blogging.  Even though I do not even have to write, just post a picture, I’ve found it hard to do.   I could list the reasons why, but honestly at this point they just feel like excuses.  I post on Facebook, I’m not sure why it has been so difficult for me to do that here.

I think part of me feels like Facebook requires less brain capacity.   I usually do it in those moments that I need not to think or use too much of my memory.  My brain runs about as fast as my computer these days, which is not a good thing; especially, since my computer is literally falling apart.  Popped a hinge a few months back and thanks to COVID, wasn’t able to get it fixed.  It is now held together with E600 and a lot of determination.  Even duck tape wasn’t strong enough for this fix.

Anyway, as I typed that paragraph out-it made me realize, that might be part of my problem.  I was talking to my brother-in-law the other day and struggled to say the word shoulder.  I do not use my brain nearly enough these days.  Even my new job hasn’t required the brain utilization that I thought that it would.  I’m thankful that I have it, it is much better than having been laid off and having to struggle to find a new job…but still. No complaints, just sayin.

I think, like the majority, Covid and quarantine (and other social issues) have taken their toll.  I know that they have taken their toll and being someone who is very into mental health, I’ve not been doing good about taking care of my own.  I’m working on that.

Even as I type I am sitting outside on my patio.  Geese and duckies about, eating up the birdseed scattered on the ground.   There is this one goose, I’ve named him Whittey (you’ll meet him later), he and his flock have returned for the second time this morning.  He tolerates me, figured out I’m the one with the food.  He and flock are jerks, though. Bullies and not in the normal jack*** goose kind of way.  More on them later.

I’ve been trying to make it a habit to sit outside everyday.  Part of my routine.  I read somewhere that routines are good for the health.  I’ve started a “when I get out of bed routine”  and an outside routine.  I sit outside and read a chapter of my book (This one is about Johnny Cash-one of the only musicians that I fan girl over) and then I do some work on my computer.  Provided both probably take me longer than they should…I get distracted by the ducks, geese, birds, and squirrels.  I’m also sure the neighbors are quite entertained by watching me interact with them.  Whitey and I have quite the exchange.  Did I mention that he’s kind of a d***?  I’m beginning to think that I might have way too much time on my hands.

I forgot where I was going with all that.  Shocker.  I’ve grown bored with most of the pictures that I took a year ago, or even the ones that I took at the zoo just months ago.  It may be the lack of new vacation photos.  I should have had a new batch.  Outside of the “wildlife” that has been gracing my patio, there hasn’t been a lot of  photographic opportunity.  Haven’t felt like going anywhere.  Not a lot going on around here.  I am need of a break, so I have decided to take a trip.

I know that some will frown upon it.  Emphasize all the risk, but the truth is…I need a rest.  My brain needs a rest.  My body needs a rest.  That is something that I will not get around here, so I’ve decided to tuck away in a cabin in the mountains (more like steep hills) away from the population.  I’m good at avoiding people, so I’m not really all that worried about exposure; especially, since so many places have contactless options these days.  There is always going to be a risk at this point.  Mask and clean hands, I’ve listened to the memos and the chants, I’ve got it.  It’s not even half a day’s drive from me, so I consider it a day trip…that will last a week.

It will be nice to get some fresh pictures and be able to use my new camera on something other than the same old subjects.  The picture posted is my newest set, it was a paid job.  Mr. Legs, or as he is actually named “Crown Royal”.  He was a boarder at the farm.  He and his owner have since moved to another barn that is better suited for their needs.  It happens, but he is a beautiful boy and extremely photogenic.

He’s also just a baby.  A five-year-old off the track thoroughbred.  There is something about OTTBs, I don’t know what it is.  It was also nice to be able to photograph a horse that just kind of did his own thing.  He’s got some power and if you are not on top it, he will get over on you (as displayed during our shoot).

It may sound strange, to say that he did his own thing, but sometimes (depending on the person holding the horse) the shoots seem to be more structured and the horse doesn’t really get the freedom to be a horse.  Stand still, head up, ears up….I get tired of structured.  Some of the other shoots, I wouldn’t have been able to get shots like this.

This is my all time favorite shot.  It is also the shot that has stressed me out the most, because I’m afraid that I won’t be able to match its popularity.  It has been one of the most liked photos that I’ve posted.  That makes me happy and worried at the same time.  I try not to stress about it.  I am sure that I will have other great shots, but only time will tell.

Live, laugh, love, and let it ride.

~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

 

The Sands…

DSC_6738Not really.  Kind of.  It was sandy, this is near the dunes.  These guys roam at this particular nature preserve.  Eh…kind of.

I will never pass up buffalo (yes, for those that are new, I know they are actually bison.  I grew up knowing them as buffalo and I like that better.)  Anyway, I will never pass up these beauties, but once you’ve been to somewhere like The Badlands, Custer State Park, Grand Tetons, Yellowstone, or somewhere like that….seeing guys like this is not really the same.

These guys were back behind a fence.  They’re dangerous and unpredictable, so yeah.  They have lots of acreage to roam on, but would I say that they “roam” the preserve?  Not really.  It is better than the last park I went to, though.  The last one, they had a much smaller area to roam around in.  This is a healthier environment in my opinion.

That is not putting it down. It is nice to be able to drive and hour to see these beautiful beast, but I like the hiking the mountains and hills to stumble across one or two (often more).  Watching them in their element as they watch me to ensure that I do not get to close.  I also like the curious ones that do not fear me and chase me around my car trying to figure me out.  Not in a dangerous way, he was curious but there were other people around so I had to “behave” and not be one of those people.  Of course, in theory, I probably shouldn’t have been out of my car in the first place.  Do not do what I do.

I know that they are dangerous.  I never press my luck. I watch them, I listen to them, and I respect them.  I am always a good fancy RV and half away, at least.  I know my limits and I know that no matter how fast, how far away I am….if I’ve crossed their comfort zone, they’re going to let me know it and I’m going down.

I wish more people would listen, observe, and be cautious.  A 72 year old woman got gored the other day by pushing a beauty’s boundaries.  She approached him numerous times to get a good picture….that is one time too many.   If he was already warning her, the first time was too close.  From my understanding, she got way closer than I ever would have… intentionally.  She also survived, as far as I know.    Thankfully, so did he.  This doesn’t always end well for the animals.

Anyway, Kankakee Sands is good for a quick fix.  If one is going solely for the intention of seeing the bison, they could end up disappointed.  Had I not decided to give it one more shot before heading home, I would not have seen them.  The “viewing” area was closed, but they had come up closer to the trails.  I’m not sure how close they are when the “viewing” area is open.  Not even sure even what exactly the viewing “area” is.  I cannot guarantee that I was walking where I should have been, but I also others and it was a trail, so I ventured.

I’m also not sure how large the herd actually is.  It appeared to be only a handful, but there could have been more out in the field.  They are still super cute, though, and I’ll probably go back.

I hope that you enjoy the pictures.

DSC_6749
Live, laugh, love, and let it ride.
~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

An Old Wooden Cross

DSC_6590It sat alone.  Far in the back of the cemetery.  Just an old wooden cross warn by time.  An old wooden cross with nothing more than a broken vase gracing its base.  An old wooden cross in a long forgotten cemetery hidden in the middle of nowhere.

She wondered about its occupant.  Was it an animal?  It was a human cemetery, or appeared to be.  Had they had a good life?  Did a loved one bury them?  Or had they grown forgotten and the marker was just a thoughtful gesture by someone who felt all graves should be marked?  She then began to wonder about herself.

Was this her fate?  Would this be all that was left of her?  She had grown tired.  More alone than ever before.  Some she had pushed away, some needed to go, and some were never there to begin with.  She wanted change.  She needed change.  Alas, the more she searched, the farther lost she became.  Was this her future to path?  A lonely life with tears no one would see.  She prayed daily for it be not, but her hope slowly faded with each passing day.

She took a deep breath and looked to the sky.  Praying for time to ensure that there was more to her journey.  That her life would not end with what it had become.  That she would be more than a nameless grave in a forgotten cemetery with just an old wooden cross marking where she laid.
DSC_6601I had pondered often what to write for these pictures.  This cemetery was interesting.  This was one of two very makeshift headstones.  There were only five graves total.  Lost in an old cemetery down some long forgotten road unless you are a hunter.  A cemetery long forgotten by time.

It also comes on a day of sadness for many.  For me, it was the loss of another musician that I loved.  Charlie Daniels, mostly known to non-country folk for The Devil Went Down to Georgia.  He was more than that.  He had many songs and he was a man of many words that didn’t hold his tongue.  Someone I would have loved to have met, but missed my chance…in small part thanks to money (Those are tickets that are not cheap) and then COVID and now his passing.  He did not die of COVID, he died of complications from a stroke.  He was 83.

He is not a man that will soon be forgotten.  His grave will not go nameless.

This post went on a sadder note than I had intended, but it is a sad day.  Between deaths, Covid cases, racial debates, political debates, mask debates….it is too much for a lot of us.  That is all I will say on the matter.   They are all heated topics and we still do not listen.  That is a huge part of our problem.  We are all guilty, because both sides are so passionate about their stance.  It is what drives, but right now-it is also what could destroy us.

I am refusing to fade to deep into the negative, though.  I believe that things can get better.  At least, I want to believe that things can get better.  I hope you are keeping your heads up as best you can as well.  DSC_6609Live, laugh, love, and let it ride.
~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

Lost…

DSC_0319This will not go the way that you think that it will.  This is a testing time that has taken a toll on many souls,  but that is not the lost that I will delve into.

I really just kind of wish that I was lost right now.  Somewhere in between the canyons and the mountains. Getting that good, apple red canyon sunburn.  That fresh mountain air.  Stalking cows and chasing horses.  Having stare downs with wild burros.  That is where I should be.

It is vacation week.  I was foolish enough to think that I would be able to travel, so I took the week off.  I could travel.  Most would frown upon it, some would not.  Even ones, that I know, that were demanding people to stay home have taken out of state trips.  Trips to Disney and the Outer banks.  Still, I cannot bring myself to do it.  Pack up and leave this state for a few days.  The places I want to go, well…they are far.  So far and hot (too hot for the Zone dog), gas expensive, and more than anything…right now, they will be crowded.  So very, very crowded.

I don’t know what side I stand on where I stand on the virus anymore. I’ve grown tired of that dialogue.  The same with other outside factors that I’m trying to ignore.  I just want some fresh air, a fresh perspective, and for us to get back to living life right.

For now, I’ve  been stalking birds, geese, and squirrels.  I put up a bird feeder on my patio, the squirrels and geese get most of the food.  It’s funny watching them, but they no longer fear me.  Both the squirrels and the geese have decided that it is their patio and I have no place on it.  Most days we compromise, as long as it is because I’m filling the feeder.  I’ll share those photos at another time.

I have now managed to lose my train of though…shocker.

This photo, it was taken on the Utah side of the Utah/Colorado border.  Deep in the heart of the canyon where you could still see the mountains just beyond the miles of canyon dirt.   It was a  beautiful scene.  I managed to avoid the crowds, somehow.   I don’t recall the time of day, but time doesn’t really matter.   I like the picture and I hope that you do too.

Live, laugh, love, and let it ride.
~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

Time

DSC_0625I thought what I needed was time.  Time to process my thoughts.  Time to work through a new array of emotions and visions that have entered my life.  Time to process what is happening and to move above it, but time is not a friend.  There is never enough of it and it gets lost when you are not paying attention.

I was told not too long ago that I was at a point in my life where if I had something to say that I needed to say it.  If only it was that easy, because we are no longer in a time where people are receptive to hearing things that do not fit their narrative.  People on my friend’s list will unfriend people left and right for disagreeing or questioning something that they want to understand.  You have to come off the fence for it and choose a side.  It seems simple enough, but what if it really isn’t?

There are things that I’ve made it a point to try and avoid talking about.  Once in a while they slip out, but I’ve gotten better about it.  There is a reason for it.  Sometimes, I have discussed certain things in attempts to tell my story; however, these days that story seems moot and irrelevant.  My story doesn’t fit the narrative and so no one really wants to hear it.  I’ve come to terms with that, because I’ve questioned why I need people to hear my story.  Why is it so important for me to say my truths?

I could say that it was because I needed people to see me as different.  I could say that it was because I wanted to be different.  Or it was simply because I just do not know.  It can never be as simple as, “It just is.”  We always need there to be a reason, an explanation, a justification.  We foundation to every thought and feeling that we have, but sometimes it really just “is”.

This picture just “is”.  It is nothing special.  It is just something that I liked the look of when I snapped it.  I’m sure there was something that I wanted to catch at the time, but that was over a year ago and now it just is.  I’m not even sure what that means, but I like it.

I wish that I was there right now.  Gallivanting all over the west and forgetting all the woes that 2020 is divvying out to us.  Forget all the racist, political, and covid stress.   A place where I can just disappear into nature.  It is what I should be doing, but alas….2020.

I hope that time heals whatever it is that is truly going on.  I’m scared to think of what else time will bring us at this point.  With that said, it is our friend, our enemy, our nemesis and our hope.  Let’s just hope that it decides to be good to us while we have it left.

Live, laugh, love, and let it ride.
~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

Abandoned….

DSC_2174That is basically what I have done.  Abandoned pretty much everything.  It is not really a choice that I have made, that I wanted to make. The realities of 2020 have just taken their tolls on a spirit that was already wavering on the edge of a steep cliff.

This past Friday, I slept.  I couldn’t really keep my eyes open and I just slept, all day except for 1-2 hours here and there.  Long enough to walk the Zone and realize that I really just wanted to go back to bed.  This is not something that I do ….ever.  It happens when I’m sick, but even that is rare to never.

I know now that this was something that my body needed.  That it was what my minded needed.  Maybe it was the world needs.  To just sleep for a day and reset.

I have many opinions on the going-ons in the U.S. right now.  The virus. The protest.  People’s opinions on the going-ons, but alas I just sit back and take it in.  People are hateful.  People are self-ish.  People are scared.  People are angry.  People do not want to hear anything that does not agree with their narrative of the situation.  For the most part, I get it.  For the other part, that is the problem….we don’t listen.  More importantly, we do not hear when others talk.

There is no solution for the situations on hand.  We can say that there are, but the truth is….we are too divided as a society for any of them to ever work.  Most of society is too selfish for any of them to work.

I didn’t come here today to rant.  As much as I want to, I want more to not feel this turmoil and this anxiety.  I do not want to feel scared or angry.  That is what I want to accomplish with whatever can be salvaged from this year.  It feels naive and very much like a pipe dream. Maybe it is that it means eliminating people from my life that I’ve held on to for whatever reason.  I do not know, but it feels like a must.

For me, this was supposed to be a good year.  I had travel plans, which are scrapped but there are other things.  I got into the grad school program from my choice.  I start in fall.  I start transitioning into a new job today.  It was not a job that I chose, it chose me…as in, my manager had to give all the names of her remaining employees and their skills, there was a need in this unit and so here I am transitioning.  I’m thankful, because it means that I will not get laid off.  I also still have hope that “the one” will show his head.  Seems so foolish.

In this world, the way that it is today. It seems foolish to have such high hopes and hold on to the positive aspects, but we have to. I think.  No, we do.  What other choice do we have?  To retreat into our beds and sleep our lives away?  Not that 2020 is really giving us a lot of options right now, but just the same.  I’m convinced there has to be some balance and that something has to get better.

I don’t really know what that has to do with my blog, or my photography.  Probably nothing.  Writing gives me solace, though.  Even if it is pointless rambling that no one cares about.

I took this picture last year on the way from South Dakota to Wyoming.  I’m not a fan of new Fords, but I do love old Fords.  More importantly, I love old abandoned cars and trucks; especially, those tucked away beneath the highlights of mountains and hills that people want to call mountains.  It was early morning, I could look up the camera settings but it doesn’t really matter.

I hope that you didn’t mind the ramble and I hope that you like the picture.  Most of all, I hope that you are maintaining a balance throughout all of this that is keeping you on the lighter side of things.

~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

Burn It….

DSC_2393Burn it to the ground….not literally, because that would be a crime.

I had actually started another project, a non-photography project, that didn’t work out the way that I wanted it to.  It made me realize that I may not have what it takes to be a crafty and artistic in that way.  I can always envision things, but I can rarely, rarely bring them to fruition.  Sometimes, I can bring to life something else that is bearable, but rarely the original vision.

I keep trying, though.   I guess that it is really what counts, so they say.

I wanted to represent something.  Rising from the ashes.  Burning away the negative.  Burning away all the horrible things.  Burning of something that needs to be given up.  Something that cannot be let go of, because there was no closure and no answers.  Something like that.

It’s been so long since I began this post (I may have gotten distracted) that I’ve lost my train of thought.  Either way, I hope that you like this picture.

Have a beautiful day and tomorrow.
~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

A Little Light

DSC_1905I do not know if it is the lockdown, or what it might be, but I am feeling a bit more unfulfilled than usual.   Trapped.  Restless.  I could blame lockdown, and I’m sure that it doesn’t help; however, it is more than that.  My soul is desperate for change and is unsure how to achieve that.  Current real world situations do not help.

I should be sitting here preparing for my trip.  The one I’ve been fortunate enough to take every years for the last several.  I should be packing and stressing.  Overthinking.  Wondering if I should be using that money or saving it for something else.  Pondering how I do not really want to go alone, but that I need the time away.  I should be getting excited and restless as the days count down to my last clock out for two weeks, but alas I am not.  My trip will not happen this year.  COVID19 has seen to that.

I could postpone it with the assumption like the masses that this virus will be gone and we can get back to living by summer, but I’m not that optimistic.  There will be no real hope until a vaccine is released, because we just aren’t capable of shutting our lives off for the length of time that it would take.

Camping should be fine.  Getting out of the house is not the problem.  The problem is that people group together when they are out.  The places that I wanted to visit this year, most of them would likely be crowded.  The campgrounds would for sure be.  It is too early for big trips and a lot of places are not even looking at reopening yet.

I would need to take it by the end of the summer, but either way it will not be a big trip. There are many factors, COVID19 is just the big one.  It is fine.  It is not fine, but it is not something that is within our control, so I’m trying to do better about stressing less about those things.

I have had multiple art projects on my mind.  Directions that I want to take with my photography.  Not to completely change paths, but to add something more to the mix.  I can envision it, I just do not know how to bring it to life.  I also have some art pieces that I can envision, but again…I’m just not sure how to bring them to life.   My artistic creativity seems to disconnect between my brain and my fingers.  My photography is pretty simple, which works for some of it but I need it to scream.  To resonate.  To touch.  To feel.  I know that it does for me…on some of it, but I want something more I think.   Something that just….I want to use the word powerful, but I don’t know if that is quite right either.

I think this is why I like this picture.  Some will say that I should open up the shadows and what not, but I actually love the look of this one.  It was underexposed except for the area around his face.  He was sitting in a tree and the light was shining through the branches and leaves just right, so even though I underexposed accidentally-it had a nice affect I think. I hope that you think so too.

For now, I must call it a day.  Thank you for stopping by.  Have a beautiful day and tomorrow.  Live, laugh, love, and let it ride.

~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~