Tag Archive | thoughts

Holding Together

DSC_4073HOLDING TOGETHER

Sunset, and passing a fence
The idea that all that holds us together
Like the pieces of wood, bowed in the middle of the barricade
Is our softness. Only the resolution
In such kindness
Keeps us from going over the edge, Or down With the sun.

~J. MacLean.  Jun 9, 1981 – Sep 13, 2019~

I have tried to come back to the blog world on many of occasions.  I’ve not had it in me.  Of course it would take this to bring it out.  A death.  A suicide.  A lost soul.  I’m sure there is some psychological reasoning behind it.  I know that there is.  Being lost is part of the reason I’ve been gone.

This soul was not someone I ever knew in person.  We had a long 10 plus year online friendship that started in the world of Myspace over writings and photography.  Mainly writing back then.  It would transfer to Facebook. It would be consistent until we had a disagreement about….suicide.  It seems ironic now.  The callous part of me, the angry part of me screams about the irony of it.  This friend, his stance was that suicide is selfish.  Mine would be that it is not selfish because we do not know what that person is going through.  How lonely and heart broken and lost that person has to be to choose that path.  The irony would be that it became his reality.

I know not the details.  Just what I’ve read and pieced together from his family.  He was walking along a road.  Lonely, lost, deep in sadness, deep in darkness.  He was hit by a commercial truck.  He chose to be hit by the truck.  Chose to end his life.  His pain.  His suffering.  Most will view it has selfish.  I hold true to my truth, which is we don’t know how much pain he was in to make this decision.  How lonely and lost he had to feel.   I’m angry because years early that same man chose to end a friendship with me because of my view and because he felt that I was going through something because I refused to argue with him over it.  We reconnected. He claimed to not remember what it was about.  I chose not to remind him. It no longer mattered anyway.  It was the past.  This was the now.

Even in the now, I knew something was different. I just figured people change.  People go through Facebook phases where they eventually don’t post as much or just leave Facebook all together.  I figured this was him, but somewhere I knew. I SHOULD have known because I have seen it in me.  The cries for help. The desperate attempts to get someone to notice, but because of my own “being lost” I ignored him.  Maybe some of me was still in a place where I knew we weren’t the friend we once were.  I honestly do not know.  What I do know is hindsight is an evil part of life that makes you smack yourself in the head, because it is so obvious now.  It is always so obvious after the fact.

My heart is broken but it is more so over a life that became so lost he felt he had no other choice but to end.  For the fact that my own stubborn pride kept us from reconnecting sooner.  I had thought about it, but I am stubborn as hell.  My anger is not just over the situation but the fact that once again I am in a position where all I have is the regrets of everything that should have been and that sadness is not mine to hold because of the situation.    Anger over the things that I keep saying that I’m going to do but that allow to just go the waste side because of…life.

We all know someone who is suffering in the darkness.  If you see changes in someone, acknowledge them.  If you sense something, investigate.  I hate sayings like, “be the change,”  but the truth is….one call, one gesture, one moment it truly can change everything.

I chose the above picture because J. MacLean actually wrote three pieces to go with three pictures that I had taken.  This picture was one, the poem is the one it goes with.   He submitted them, now I will never know how that turned out for him.  He had planned on more, I suspect that it never came.  I don’t know where you are in your life, but live it and find away to love it.  Know if you are in the darkness, you are not alone even though I know it seems that way.  I always listen to a stranger, so come to me if you need.  Don’t let the darkness swallow you, don’t let it swallow someone you love.  We never get the chance to go back.

Live, laugh, love, and let it ride.
~Montana Rose Photography~

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Specialty

DSC_2051 I have been thinking a lot about my area of expertise as far as the world of photography.  Then I wonder how much of it is the area of which they are posted.  Facebook vs. Instagram vs. here on my rarely posted anymore blog.  The truth is, I love photography and I do want to make hobby money but people are not my area of expertise…on so many levels.  However, what is my area of expertise?

If I was to pay attention to Facebook, it is hit and miss.  Really, Facebook probably shouldn’t be an accurate measurement because pages have a hard time getting exposure because Facebook wants money.  Friend list…well, anyway.  If I was to pay attention to Instagram…horses and most animals.  On occasion, certain landscapes but as I’m typing this…well, I’m realizing that it probably comes down to what people are actually looking for.  We all know art, poetry, photography…the beauty and meaning and what not are all in the eyes of the beholder.  Perception is a cheeky monkey and we all have our own.

So far this above is my least liked photo in a long time. It has gotten a decent amount on Facebook since posting (in comparison to others), but Instagram like two people like it.  There could be many reasons why.

For those that do not know, this is the Devil’s tower inside of the Sacred Circle of Smoke.  The placement of the sculpture was strategic and shots like this one have come a regular and sought out view for most tourist.  The fool in me didn’t think much of it at first, but when I went to take it and saw many others going for the same shot, it made sense and I realized mine would not be amongst the first.  I did want it to be different.  Not the usual typical version.  I played with it.  I like it….but this one is also not bad.

As always, I’ll let you decide what you think but I hope that you at least like one of them.  Opinion and thoughts are always welcomed.

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Live, laugh, love, and let it ride.

~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

Wild and Free

DSC_2519 c(2)I keep taking a step back to regroup, revamp, and rejuvenate.  I have to be honest, I kind of suck at it.  I always seem to end up back in the same loop that I am trying to escape.  With that said, I was thinking about my last two post.  They were not pretty.  The pictures were, the writing was not.  I’m bad about that.

I have always been one to say what I think and what I feel.  I wear my heart on my sleeve when I am writing.  A lot of us do, but for me…well, it has always been the best way for me to communicate.  I also figure that it is my blog so I can write what I want.  However, I also want to write in a way that connects with people.  Something else that I’m pretty freakin’ horrible at.  Sorry about that on all accounts.

I’ve really just wanted to be somebody most of my life.  I’ve always been looking for a place, but at the same time I knew that place needed to involve photography and writing.  There is that whole heart on the sleeve thing.  I think it is just that for some of us, most of us, it is so easy to get lost and trapped when we are on the wrong trail.  When our souls are able to be wild and free.  Sorry, had to throw that in there somewhere but that is all I will say on that subject.

I don’t really know what any of that means.  I know that with some recent physical ailments and health issues, I’ve started really treading mud in the realms of this path that I’m on.  It is time for serious buckling down.  I am not sure what that means, but it means something.

As for wild and free, as cheesy as it is that is actually what I felt when I photographed this beauty.  I was deep in the heart of a basin in Colorado.  I actually parked my car and hiked to get to this guy and his herd.  There were multiple herds and I just took the time and sat there…watching, photographing, being an actual part of the moment.  I’ve done a lot of wildlife photography over the years, but honestly I can say that it was not like it was in this trip. I need to do more of that.

Thank you to everyone who continues to follow my blog and bearing with me through it all.

Live, laugh, love, and let it ride.

Montana Rose Photography

‘Tis the Season

DSC_4472Wedding season.

I could post more vacation and photos, because believe me I have no shortage of those, but I’m going to take a break for a moment.  Partly, because I have such a vast amount of them that I do not know where to start nor really the best way to go about it.  The other part is because yesterday I was able to photograph a wedding.  I also may feel a little guilty about my last post as it was a bit of something.  I don’t know.

With that said, change of pace because I also have a lot wedding photos to get edited.
DSC_4441I was actually reading another blogger and he was talking about change.  First, I admire is photography and writing.  I wish I could write like that. I use to write like that, but over time I have become lazy and rusty.  Time never allows for much of it and motivation started to fade with lack of support.  All of that combined led to the laziness and rustiness I mentioned.

I am constantly thinking about how I ended up where I am; especially, when looking at couples.  42 and single is definitely not where I thought that I would be.  There is a long list of things that I didn’t think would be when I turned 42, but mainly single.  Love is something that seems to be a given for everyone…but me.  It has always seemed to eluded me.

I could ponder why.  Most will say that it is because I haven’t met the right one.  One friend told me that even though she was happily married, I was better of never being or getting married because it just isn’t worth it.  Only a portion of that was her exact wording, I was stuck on the part where she could be happily married and yet seemingly against it at the same time.  Everyone has such a different vision of love and marriage.

These two have been together for several years.  Over 2000 plus days, from my understanding.  A lot of up and downs, heartbreaks.  To me that says a lot right there.  Not a lot of people can say that and these two are young.  I think from what I know that they have been through, not a lot will break them.  I do realize that people change and that things between people change, but I am pulling for them.

I am not sure how I feel about doing weddings.  The lovey dovey and what not.  I think it is because when you don’t have it and you want it, watching everyone else get it-well, it just makes it a bit cringe worthy.  I am hoping that it was it is and that I’m not some Scrooge when it comes to love.  My family wasn’t huge on showing affection when I was younger and so certain displays of emotion elude me.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t like romance and all that jazz.  Actually, I’m not sure what it really means.

I don’t mind doing small weddings.  I actually met these two while photographing my friend’s wedding back in 2017.  However, doing weddings for people you know is different than doing it for people you don’t.   I have only photographed four weddings.  The first one was a daughter for a friend at the time.  Then two sets of friends, and then this couple…a growing friendship and they live behind me.  So, I don’t know.  It changes things a bit when you do a wedding for people you know and are comfortable around.

Anyway, I don’t mind doing small weddings. At least so far.  The thought of doing an overly large wedding is a bit nerve racking, but I think I could handle it.  I would hope.  I also think that marriage is worth it.  That is with the right person.  I know that I’m not alone there.  It is a beautiful thing.  Seeing people in love and that truly care for each other, do anything for each other.  I’m glad that I was chosen to help capture that them.  I’m also very sorry that got so sappy.  That was an unexpected, unintentional turn of events.  DSC_4466I might have a little Scrooge in me when it comes to lovey, dovey love as that sap I just spilled made me a bit nauseous.  Either way, I still like to hope that the day will come when I, too, get to walk down the aise with some cowboy who’s willing to spend my days with me.  That little sappy tree hugger in me likes to think that there is someone for us all.

With that said, I must call it day.  There is work to do and pictures to edit.  I hope that you like the pictures I’ve posted so far.  The bride is happy.  Now off to finish getting through the rest.

Live, laugh, love, and let it ride.

Spirit Animal

DSC_5682.jpgI am not a fan of the gawker crowd.  The people that gather in the masses to stare at the animals, because this is all new to them and they know that it is a rare opportunity.  I get why they do it, but as I said-they usually gather in the masses and make it hard to get to views of the animals.  However, with that said…if it wasn’t for the gawker crowd, I would miss out on some of the beauties.  When you are alone and driving, it is not always easy to see the bear that is further down the hill or the beautiful coyote that is running along  relentlessly.

I probably would have seen her eventually, but had it not been for the car that had stopped to watch her, I might not have seen her as in time to catch some of the moments I witnessed.   I probably also would have missed the fact that she sneaked up behind me when I thought I had lost her in the field.  So, I am always thankful for the gawkers, but more so when they disperse and it is just me and the beautiful beast.

With that said, this beautiful beast was running down one of the main roads in the Grand Tetons.  She was relentlessly moving, searching.  She would only stop briefly.  Some of the shots that will come later, well, those would be the longest she held still.  This series is the firs time I’ve been able to truly catch a coyote.  Normally, they are on the run, too far away, or I’m so baffled that they are there that it takes me a second to realize it and by then it is just too late.

This is also the first time that I found myself in an animal.  That sounds weird, but I just can’t think of words I’d rather use.  This whole trip, I just kept waiting for that ah-ha, relishing moment that I’ve had on my other trips.  The first time was the deer on Little Devil’s Tower Trail, then the mountain goat, the buffalo that followed me.  Moments that just left me feeling light and airy, refreshed, hopeful.  I just hadn’t experienced it yet and honestly…I never really did, but this girl…I found I related with what I saw.

It was the fact that she was running endlessly, tirelessly, searching.   Maybe she knows why, maybe she doesn’t.  I’m sure she did.  In her case she was searching for food, fuel…I would think it would be safe to assume.  Me…I’m still searching for the fuel I think.  That is a story for another time, a cup of tea, and a conversation of deep and philosophical revelations.

I am not ready to share my favorite photos of her.  Just this one for now.  I did very minimal editing to it.  I needed to be minimal with it.  That is all I will say for now.  I hope that you like it.

Until the next time, I have a beautiful day and tomorrow.

Montana Rose Photography

Off the Beaten Path

DSC_9824Hey, all!  I guess it has been quite some time since my last post.  I’ve sat down many times to do one, I’ve had the pictures to do so…I just haven’t had the heart for it.   I’ve tried to log on and read blogs, but I’ve failed at that too.  I guess that I just needed some time away.  I don’t really know why, just did.

With that said, I thought that I would start my post with this.  The first major DSLR picture that I did, that I really liked, was an old truck that was hidden off the beaten path in a park that I used to walk in Ohio.  This is not it and maybe I will dig through my files and find them but for now you get this car.  A car amongst the “ghost town” hidden in the Black Hills.  It was one of several old cars, so yes you will be seeing more…a lot more because for some reason I was fascinated with photographing old cars this trip.  I was fascinating with so many things.

I was obsessed with photographing to be honest.  I came back with a ridiculous amount of pictures. I know I have said that before, but this time….it puts all the rest to shame.  I am unable to clear off my SD cards because my laptop is out of space and so are the external hard drives I have on hand.  Before you say it, it is time for a new one and it is on the to do list but for now, the first set of pictures has been transferred so we will play with those for a while.

I will keep this blog relatively short.  I will be taking a different path with some of the future blogs.  As always, I’m not really sure what that means or really what that is going to look like.  I am hoping that it will be an improvement that you like what you see.  I appreciate anyone who has stuck around and those that are new.  You all rock and I hope you stay for the rest of the ride.

Some probably think that I should talk about what I did to the picture since this is a photography blog.  Those that have stayed know that really isn’t my thing.  I just take the pictures and then do what I need to do to make it something that I would like to share.  I added filters to this gem, because it was just not the scene I would have liked.

For this picture, I was in the Black Hills.  I had checked the weather before I left and it was supposed to be sunny and relatively nice.  Not overly warm but not cold either…well, the weather lied to me.  It ended up being in the low thirties and I was exploring the said ghost town, it started snowing.  Trip was already off to a great start.  I’ll save those stories for another day.

Since it was snowing, there was no sun and I was kind of in a realm of surrounding trees.  There was a car directly behind this and it just wasn’t easy to get the shot that I would envision for this car but I think that I made it work.  I used my kit lens 18-55, which I never-ever do.  I cannot remember the last time I intentionally used that lens, but it got it workout this trip.  Maybe too much….again, a story for another day.  I am really glad that I used that lens as it really worked for the environment that I had to work with.  Anyway, I pulled this up for editing and it just needed something that simple editing wasn’t going to do and with that, I added a few filters until I got the effect that I wanted.  I like the way that it turned out and I hope that you do to.

Have a beautiful day and tomorrow.

Montana Rose Photography

Of Soft Mind

DSC_3984.jpgI am going to be a little passive aggressive here and I apologize in advance.  I say this,  because this post is in response to something that was commented on one of my other blog posts.   It was something of debate and instead of engaging and getting into some political debacle of ignorance, I have decided to not respond directly.  We know how I feel about discussing politics as a whole the way it is and so engaging in a conversation defending my stance in this particular case…it is just not something that I am prepared to do; especially, considering that I could see where this would be leading, which is exactly why I rarely discuss politics in polite company.

Now, I have already retyped this post once.  My original start was a little bit more defensive than I intended.  The truth is, this comment was well written.  Under a different time and place, maybe…just maybe there could be a discussion.  I don’t know this person and I’m sure that for a short period of time there is the possibility of having a mature and civil conversation. At least I would like to believe, but then again-maybe I am just soft-minded.

With that said, this particular comment was one that I had to read a couple of times to make sure that I was reading it correctly. If you are wondering what it said, you will not find it as I chose not to publish it.  That is the joy about being the owner of this blog, I get to do and say what I want .  Things like ignoring comments that stab at my instincts and engage me into combative defense to someone whom will probably not be as open to hearing my side as I want to believe.  Again, I do not know. I could be way off course, but my instincts went into flight mode, not because of fear but because I just didn’t want to.

The particular comment was made in response to my post about animals and humanity.  Apparently,  it is wrong of me to “conflate the terminology of animals and walls to being negative.”  And though I may have read too much into it, one of the beginning sentences was that this person found good people with soft minds hard to tolerate.  I read this to be that I was seen as having a soft mind because I didn’t feel that a race of people should be referred to as animals.  I wonder, am I of soft mind?  Or is that this person didn’t understand the context of the post that provoked the blog because he was only reading what I wrote?

Maybe I am of soft mind, but I know my mind and believe me that this is not the case.  I just believe that a little decency goes a long way, and that not calling an entire group of people animals just because of their ethnic background and status isn’t too much to ask.  Now, it is clear what side of the fence this person stood on AND (I can’t emphasize this enough) that is completely fine.  Whatever gets you fired up, but do not assume that I need to be pitied because I think referring to a group of people as animals is completely unnecessary and negative; especially, when the whole group have not given reason to be called so.   To best make my point, it is like calling a whole group of people racist because a few of them actually are.

With that said, do not assume that because I see a softer side of things that I do not believe in hardcore measures, or that I have a “soft mind”.  I am anything but gullible or foolish, or whatever was intended by said statement.  You should also not be foolish enough to think that I am all because I do not believe that you should refer to a race of people as animals.  I did not feel that it was necessary and I do find it negative in today’s world.   If that makes me soft minded, I guess so be it but for the record I actually have a lot of words for people, groups of people, and they are far from that of a soft mind.

And should said person stumble upon my blog again and feel the need to post similar comments.  Even harsher comments in attempts to get me to engage, please do not waste your time.  This passive aggressive post will be as far as communication between you and me go because your point of view is clear.  And though I respect your opinion and would think that on different circumstances we should engage in such topics of debate, it is just not something that I feel like doing in the present moment.  Also please do not confuse my opinions on name calling to my political point of view.  You do not know me and do not assume you know where I stand on any such topics.

To my regular followers.  Please forgive me. I needed to get it off my chest and it was much better than the 35 responses that I had previously typed up and deleted.

Montana Rose Photography