Tag Archive | thoughts

Still Leaning

DSC_0363Still leaning….seems fitting as that is what I feel like I’m doing at this present moment.  This new year hasn’t gotten off to a bad start, but it is not really a good start.  It’s kind of leaning somewhere in between.  Some would say that it is up to me as far as which direction it goes.  We shall see.

As I write this, I’m actually sitting in Discount Tire for literally the second time in just over three months.  The last time was while I was in Tennessee.  I had picked up a pretty hefty little screw that was relentless with the need to release the air from tire.  Today, ironically, same tire but smaller screw….go figure.  I cannot help but ponder the implications of that.  I do know that there is no big strong man to put my tire back on for me this time.  That is fine, I’ll make the guys here do it.  I’m much too pretty to be changing my own tire all the time.  I really shouldn’t have to be changing my tire all the time, but I digress.

That was a bit dramatic.

I haven’t really had to change them that much.  It’s only been like three times since I got these tires November 2018 and come to think of it, it is always the same tire but not the same tire.  There is something about my driver side back tire space that just makes the tires not enjoy their life and feel the need to pick up hitchhiking screws.  All about the adventure, I suppose.

This is the third time which ever tire is in that position has to have a patch (or even possibly replaced this time) and it is always a screw.  How does that work?  If I didn’t know any better, I would think that someone is purposely putting a screw by my tire to run over.  I know that is highly unlikely, but it is quite peculiar-don’t you think?

Anyway, again, I digress.

Now, that I’ve rambled my little annoyance about sitting in Discount Tire (which I’m really considering placing stock in), I’ll move on.

I have been deep in thought about my blog.   The last few post didn’t really take the tone that I really meant to put out there.  That could be said for most of my post on here.  I know that someone will say that it is my blog and I can put what I want out there, but truth is…I don’t really like that girl.  She was angry, sad…for due reasons, but just the same.  It is not who I want to be and I’m really trying to work on the negativity.  I’ve probably said that a 100 times over on here, but that is my goal for this year…as well as following through.

Not a new year’s resolution, mind you.  No, I am not a new year’s resolutioner, but I am a goal setter.  I guess it could be said to be the same thing, but I’m not sure that it is.  Anyway,  my entire life I’ve been bad about following through on things.  When things do not go as I had planned, or they are way harder than they are supposed to be, or my life gets the best of me…I tend to give up.  I’m working on not doing that anymore.  I do not know if that means, I will be posting more but it mean something.

I got wrapped up in my thoughts there for a second and now have forgotten where else I was going to go with that.  Shocker.  I baked cookies yesterday and managed to mess them up twice, even though I was reading the directions.  The second batch was edible, the first batch was not.  Consequences of getting lost in my thoughts and now I’m rambling.

I do not know how many of you remember this tree.   I posted it about four years ago.  Not this picture, no-but this exact same tree.  The original was taken in July of 2015 (see below).  70455693_2555805407811206_8825561407006179328_o(1)I had a better camera and a better lens this time, but there is something to be said for the old one as well.

I don’t know that I expected the tree to still be standing.  I am not sure what I thought to be sure.  I guess I figure a leaning tree is eventually a falling tree.  It clearly has not fallen.  There is something to be said for that, I suppose.  I’m always looking symbolism and I do have a hankering for philosophy, so what better place to look then trees.  I know that was bad, but it will get worse-just give me a minute.

If a leaning tree has roots strong enough to keep standing, I guess that I can find mine too (told you I could do worse).  Or something even cheesier than that.  It’s okay to smile, or even roll your eyes.  I just did.

I really do not know what 2020 has in store for anything in my life.  I do know that I will keep trucking on, even if at a lean.  I’ve still got a ton of photos from last year to post, which is good because I do not know if I will get any major trips in this year.  I will keep photos coming, though.  Thank you for sticking around.

Live, Laugh, Love, and Let it ride.
~SMH~

The Incredible Acers

DSC_6081A.C.  as he was called when he showed up at the stable I worked at.  I started calling him Ace, it became his name but that will never be information confirmed.  It really shouldn’t matter.  It doesn’t matter.  Really just calling him Ace was inevitable, I think.  The dismay you may be sensing comes from another situation that had been a long time coming.  Dominoes.

Anyway, there really are not bitter feelings here.  Acers went to a wonderful home July 2018.  Where he is better fitted and gets the love and work that he deserves.  He’s a therapy horse and lives the job well.  DSC_6151This year, I had the honor of going out and photographing Acers and the other therapy horses he lives with.  It is no secret by now that this year has not been my favorite, and that day…I was not having a less than stellar week and was feeling more down that day than I had been.

This guy as I was finishing up, he became very loving was all about letting me love on him.  Pretty much insisted on it.  DSC_6206It is often said that animals can sense our emotions.  I have always felt this to be true.  There is also statistic data proving the positive effect animal/equine therapy can have on a person.  Where he is now, he works with Vets and those suffering from PTSD.  I would say he is a good at his job.

And…….him and the others, they made beautiful subjects and I think turned out some amazing pictures.  I hope that you like these of Acers.  They are just a few of my favorites.
DSC_6215Live, laugh, love, and let it ride.
~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

The Lizard

DSC_6252In my last post, I posted how I stopped at a cemetery just off a Utah highway.  Well, never in my life have seen so many lizards in one place.    The place was crawling with them.  I won’t say literally, but I will say that I had to be careful about where I stepped.

As I was thinking about this post, I was intrigued and wondered what the lizard symbolizes.  The lizard symbolizes a true survivor and how you should be open to surrendering what doesn’t work for you so to open yourself up to regenerated energies of life.  At least according to one of the many animal totem websites.  DSC_6277
I am still learning about the whole spirit animal thing.  Like that they can change dependent on where you are in your life and what you need to learn, see at the time.  If I was to believe in signs, which most the time I do, I would say that the powers that be were trying to throw this meaning up in my face.  DSC_6303I won’t be all whatever about it.  It just struck me as interesting as we head into a new year. A new decade.  DSC_6330I believe these little guys are Sagebrush lizards.  Apparently, Utah is littered with them.  I’m torn on how I feel about them.  I will hold a snake, I will hold a baby alligator, but I’m torn on how I feel about these little guys scattered about and running rapid.  Hey, a girl has to have her limitations.

I’m just kidding.  I really do not mind lizards.  I don’t want to feed them, because then I have to touch things like crickets…and that is just gross.  🙂   DSC_6437
Live, laugh, love, and let it ride.

~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

Wondering Thoughts

DSC_6478bwToday as I was sitting at my desk, I thought of something that I honestly hadn’t thought about since it happened.  An angry old man sitting alone in a nursing home.

I’ve been lost in my head a lot thinking about a broken heart.  What it did wrong? What is wrong with it?  Why it is always coming up short?  What it has done to justify all the failures?  Most will say that it is not the heart’s fault.  That it is being too hard on itself.  It’s the other person’s loss.  It never feels that way, though.  Anyway, today as I was thinking about broken hearts, I remembered a gentleman that I met in one of my clinicals back in the day.

I don’t remember much about him, but I do remember that he was angry.  Very angry.  He was a much older gentleman.  Not necessarily my grandparents’ age, but he was up there.  He had been into art, history, or books….maybe all the above.  I don’t quite remember, but I remember he had a very scholarly, artsy way about him.  The kind of stereotype you would see in the movies, I guess.  A bit on the pretentious side, but thinking back now it would seem that maybe he had earned the right.  Anyway, along his life he had one love and it didn’t end well.  He was angry.

I don’t remember the exact details on the subject.  They had parted ways, though. I think it was the other that had decided to go.  Their paths had gone in different directions and this gentleman I spoke to now, he was paying the price.  I am not sure how long they had been parted, but it was evident in the way he spoke that he had allowed his heart to become cold,hard…..angry and I mean, A.N.G.R.Y.

I am sure that his current situation did not help.  Sitting alone in a nursing home, because he was unable to completely care for himself.  I am thinking a lot of it was the being alone.  He had no pictures of family.  If I remember, he had no family.

I am not sure what made me think of him.  Like I said, I haven’t given him much thought since that day at my clinical.  I don’t even remember how long he was there.  I do not even remember seeing him again. I feel like it was only the once.  However, I guess if I was to put on my psychiatrist hat, I could definitely figure out what made me think of him.  I think that we all could, without pulling out the psychological analysis.  Anyway.

I think that the take away here is to accept the broken heart but not allow oneself to become jaded.  Angry.  Not everyone does this, but I feel like I’ve talked to a lot of jaded people lately.  People that are pessimistic about love.  I have a friend that is happily married but so negative about love.  Another that just doesn’t believe that love exist.  A third that is going through a divorce and doesn’t want anymore serious relationships because this will be his second divorce.  However, it is just not about love relationships-is it?

The man in my story, he had no one.  He was alone.  Most likely because he was angry and honestly a bit on the hateful side.  A way that I know many of us have found ourselves in the wake of grief, sadness, devastation, or whatever else is thrown on our way on the negative side. I know that I have, but what I am realizing as I type this…we can’t alienate people because of our pain.  When we are suffering through whatever, some of us do tend to alienate because we already feel alone.  Alone because we are unsure, or scared, or know that no one will truly understand what we are going through.  However, if we are not careful….we really could end up being actually alone.

I don’t honestly know if there is an easy solution to this.  There most likely isn’t, but I know that no one deserves to be sitting alone in a nursing home….bitter and angry because of a life that didn’t go their way.  Do we really choose our paths?  I don’t know where I stand on that, but I am starting to see that we do have a choice on how many people actually stick around.  Some will leave on their own, but I’d rather them do that than it being because I wasn’t willing to let them in when I needed them most.

This is just some random thoughts.  Do not take anything away from it other than a message of thought.  I chose an old picture to post, because of the content.  I’ll post a fresh pic the next time.  Until then-live, laugh, love, and let it ride.

~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

Off a Utah Highway

DSC_6267My first experience in Utah was not the greatest.  The unnecessary pullover by an overzealous cop because I had out of state plates.  The ridiculous woman that yelled out me for walking up under an arch, which is totally allowed.  The crazy amount of tourist at 6am.  Sleeping in my car because I couldn’t find a place to set up my tent.  Paying for one night in a motel room, what I would have paid for a week at a campsite.  The ridiculous sunburn that I got.  I mean…talk about red and even the breeze hurt but I digress.  Not the greatest experience, but it had perks.

I absolutely loved the scenery and I wasn’t opposed to driving the highways and roads that ran through it.  I can’t deny that it was a bit of heaven.

Off that main highway I was on sat a little cemetery up on a hill.  I’ve seen plenty of cemeteries and this wasn’t like the rest.   I’m not sure what it was, but there was something.  It seemed like it both a garden and cemetery.   It is also apparently a tourist type destination as picnic tables have been placed about.  I don’t think it is for typical tourist, but for some other kind.  I guess my kind of tourist.  Not really sure what that is, but there are different types I think.  I’m one of the other kind.

Not only did this little garden, memorial type cemetery have a ridiculous amount of lizards running amuck; a few visitors sat afoot.  Or maybe guardians at this point.  You can tell by their fur they had been there a while.  Through the rain, the wind, and whatever else has come their way.  They have been through it all. I suspect a few tears by those who left them.

These two seemed to be life long friends, placed together.  One or two others sat by themselves.  I can see the tiredness in the way they slouched and the sadness is in the reality of where they sit.

I saw not the dates on the plots where they sat, so I know not the age of that in which they watch over.  Still, I wonder their story.  Were they left by a devastated parent?  Maybe a heartbroken child.  Maybe they were left because the one that passed loved stuff animals.  Or had them for years.  I don’t know.  It may not have been out of sadness at all.  The possibilities are endless but limited, I’m sure.  Still they have a story and I cannot help but be intrigued by what I see.  They say so much without saying anything at all.

I hope that you like this picture.  Until the next time:  live, laugh, love, and let it ride.

~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

Sinner vs. Saints

DSC_5503Somewhere out near Moose Junction in the Grand Tetons sits a little old church.  Nestled in the mountains, the view is beautiful.  This is really no surprise.  That is unless you sit outside….then it depends on where you sit.

To the right and to the left there are benches.  One pair has a beautiful view of the mountains, the other set…a view of the building.  I couldn’t help but wonder the implications of this, but only one thing stood out….sinners vs. saints.

Considering that it is self-seating, I cannot help but wonder why anyone would choose to sit on the side without the mountains.  I doubt sermons  are held outside unless the congregation is small.  So, why?  Does one deem themselves not worthy of viewing the mountains?  Does one not want to be distracted by the mountains?  Does one just purely not like the mountains?  That last one raise a whole other question….like, why exactly are you in the mountains? Anyway, why sit on the other side of the building.

I did not grow up religious.  I grew up in a family that believed in God, but that is as far as it went.  My grandparents went to church religiously, but we didn’t.  There is a difference between growing up in a family that is religious and growing up in one that merely believes there is a God.  You have to come to terms with figuring out your own spiritual conviction.  It is something that is enlightening and sometimes confusing depend on where you are in life and what you need.

I won’t discuss religious views.  To each their own.  What I will say is this….if you have the choice, always choose the beautiful side.  Despite what you are going through.  Despite what you think that you have done that deems you unworthy.  Always sit on the side with the view.  The view, the beauty it is what makes us seek redemption and life over despair.  You can’t really get right with yourself, soul, or whatever spiritual being you believe in if you are staring at a wall that doesn’t allow you to see.  That is my opinion of course.  Again, to each their own.
DSC_5468

Live, laugh, love, and let it ride.
~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

Lost in it All

DSC_5937Somewhere long ago I became lost.  As I’ve gotten older, this feeling has just gotten worse.  Moving into my 43rd year of living,  it has gotten hard to…well, truth is I don’t know the right words.  Anything that I say is going to make it sound like I’m in this deep, deep dark depression and that just doesn’t really feel like the case.  It is more like I’m stuck somewhere in the abyss.

Why am I telling you this?  In small part to explain my absence, which isn’t really something I expected anyone to notice….it is humbling when people prove you wrong.  It is also to really just ramble I think.

For some time I have been feeling….well, honestly, excruciatingly bored and frustrated with this life of mine.   The attempts to figure out how to change it so that I don’t feel that way, they have been less than helpful.  They have really just fueled the fire that has opened the gateway to the abyss.  I allowed myself to get sucked in without fighting.  It just required too much energy.

There are things that contributed, but nothing was the sole perpetrator.  The loss of a internet friend.  I can’t really blame that at all.  I am embarrassed to admit that I really only mourned him for a short time.  It was more of the fact that it was a lost soul who felt this was his only option and I don’t want people to ever feel that way.  The fact that I truly understood why he had done it.  The thought has passed through my mind, but there is so much more that always pulls me back.  I’m just truly saddened and heartbroken for those that can’t find this in their lives.  I wish I could just wrap them up and keep them safe, but life just doesn’t work that way.

It could be the loss of something that maybe just wasn’t ever meant to be.  A soul crushing moment, because I felt like a fool.  A fool for allowing myself to be happy and for believing that things may actually turn around for me.  A fool for making up excuses as to why he just wrote me off without explanation.  A fool for allowing it to weight so heavy on my heart that I lost site of this confidence everyone else seems to believe I have.

I could be the rut that I am in job wise.  Working a job that I cannot stand because it truly does not require any real brain activity to do the work.  The fact that most of my work is outsourced to an overseas company that I’m also expected to support when they have questions.  The other day I realized how insulting it is that my work has been taken and given to this company and that what I do is purely support work and that I’m to answer this questions when they have them about the work they were given.  It could also be that I have to be thankful and grateful because of the fact that I still have this job, because there are so people out there that cannot find a job.  And if I lived a different life, this job would actually pay a decent amount of money.  I am thankful for it, but it doesn’t make it any less of what it has become.

It could be that I’m working to get out of this dead-end job of mine and better my life, but I have to move to go to grad school because I’ve only been considered good enough to get into one of the several that I applied for.  Yet, once I make the decision as to where I’m moving…everything starts falling apart or making me question it for other reasons.  I wanted to feel like I was moving towards something, not just changing the scenery on something that will never change.

That I’m not sure if I’ve chosen the right path to continue on for my career but it is the one that is easiest to figure out how to pay for.  Or that I’ve reached a point where all the materialistic things have reached a point of frivolous existence.  I have actually found myself embarrassed by the amount of boots that I own.  I love my boots and I don’t foresee me getting rid of them, but I am embarrassed and ashamed about the amount of money I have wrapped in boots and clothes.  It seems especially so since I rarely go anywhere anymore to wear them.  The things we are not supposed to focus on like, if I hadn’t spent that money there…well, I could be spending here instead.

All of this could be caused by the fact that I have a brain that literally never shuts off and doesn’t seem to actually know how to focus on anything other than the negative and the bad.  That I feel alone at the loss of decade long friendships.  That my body has decided that it only knows how to ache and I’m afraid the day will come when I will no longer be able to move.   Not because I do not want to, but because I can’t.  It has already started as there has been twice now that I’ve awakened to find I can’t move my head.  The second time nowhere near as bad as the first, but is that a sign of what is to come?  A body that is slowly shutting down?  I don’t know what I would do if I cannot walk, workout, hike, camp, ride horses.  All wonderful thoughts to a neurotic brain that already overthinks and focuses on the worst case scenarios.

It could be countless other things, but the truth is…it is really all of them.  They’ve all led to this piled on by age and the need for life changes that never seem to come…no matter what I do.

Now, by no means do I need anyone to feel sorry for me.  I’m not looking for sympathy or empathy.  I’m good.  I own my stuff and I know how most of them have ended up where they are.  I don’t really know why I’m posting it now.  I am sure I’ll overthink it and start feeling guilty about it, but for now….here it is.

There are things that I want to do with my photography.  My writing, which I have actually been doing more of lately.  Thank goodness for broken hearts I suppose,  some of us do better creatively when tortured.  Anyway, I don’t really know where I’m going with them, or how I am going to get there.  With that said, as always I don’t know what that means for the future of my blog but until I try to not stay gone so long.

Thank you to all of you for following and sticking around; especially, if you do so after reading this post.  You are amazing and I appreciate you.

~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~