Tag Archive | thoughs

The Boo

DSC_2792.jpgI love this cat.  I will miss this cat.  He’s not gone, but I do not know if I will get to see him after Wednesday.  My safe place is no longer that.  It is not that I feel endangered, but everything it offered me was taken away in a minute by someone that felt a little too comfortable around me.  Now, I am at a loss as to what to do.

All I ever really wanted to do was be at a place where I could spend time with horses (and other animals if available) and ride.  That is all I wanted.  It wore on me, because the two jobs I was going seven days a week with no breaks in-between.  That would wear on anyone…even if it was something that they enjoyed.

The farm was my “safe” place. It was wear I could go and just be me. I rarely see anyone and I rarely have to deal with anyone.  It eased my stress. It eased my anger. It eased my mind and I always found a way to be content.   Now because of boos (not me, I do not drink), someone was too comfortable and made my safe place, uncomfortable and awkward.  Even in the sober light, it was only made worse.  Part of me knows that I should probably walk away, but the other part truly aches at not being able to see the animals anymore.  Then there is the brain part of me that reminds me, I need the money and if I have to work two jobs….that is what I would rather being doing..working at the farm that is.

However, to stay in a situation like that.  Where I am now uncomfortable and feel awkward.  Even slightly fearful of what will become of the situation once embarrassment shifts into shame.  I just want to work, spend time with the animals, and move on with my day.  But now my day is also filled with anxiety and discontent as I think of all the things.  Even what I did to provoke the moment.  They were just words, but what did I do to indicate that it would even be acceptable to approach me?  I have to admit that I am a bit naive, apparently.  Trying to always believe that things are innocent. I feel like I really should have known better and that is my fault for putting myself in a position where it could even happen.  My friend said that it is not, but I am not so sure.

I get it now.  Maybe that was the lesson.  To be more sympathetic to certain causes.  Not that I was insensitive, but probably not as sensitive as I should be.  I don’t know.  All I know is that my stomach is a pit. My heart aches a bit.  And I’m over 2018 and it is only May.  Maybe I will feel better when I return from South Dakota, but I don’t know.  Only time will tell.

Thank you for reading my plight. I hope that you have a beautiful day and tomorrow.

Montana Rose Photography