Today as I was sitting at my desk, I thought of something that I honestly hadn’t thought about since it happened. An angry old man sitting alone in a nursing home.
I’ve been lost in my head a lot thinking about a broken heart. What it did wrong? What is wrong with it? Why it is always coming up short? What it has done to justify all the failures? Most will say that it is not the heart’s fault. That it is being too hard on itself. It’s the other person’s loss. It never feels that way, though. Anyway, today as I was thinking about broken hearts, I remembered a gentleman that I met in one of my clinicals back in the day.
I don’t remember much about him, but I do remember that he was angry. Very angry. He was a much older gentleman. Not necessarily my grandparents’ age, but he was up there. He had been into art, history, or books….maybe all the above. I don’t quite remember, but I remember he had a very scholarly, artsy way about him. The kind of stereotype you would see in the movies, I guess. A bit on the pretentious side, but thinking back now it would seem that maybe he had earned the right. Anyway, along his life he had one love and it didn’t end well. He was angry.
I don’t remember the exact details on the subject. They had parted ways, though. I think it was the other that had decided to go. Their paths had gone in different directions and this gentleman I spoke to now, he was paying the price. I am not sure how long they had been parted, but it was evident in the way he spoke that he had allowed his heart to become cold,hard…..angry and I mean, A.N.G.R.Y.
I am sure that his current situation did not help. Sitting alone in a nursing home, because he was unable to completely care for himself. I am thinking a lot of it was the being alone. He had no pictures of family. If I remember, he had no family.
I am not sure what made me think of him. Like I said, I haven’t given him much thought since that day at my clinical. I don’t even remember how long he was there. I do not even remember seeing him again. I feel like it was only the once. However, I guess if I was to put on my psychiatrist hat, I could definitely figure out what made me think of him. I think that we all could, without pulling out the psychological analysis. Anyway.
I think that the take away here is to accept the broken heart but not allow oneself to become jaded. Angry. Not everyone does this, but I feel like I’ve talked to a lot of jaded people lately. People that are pessimistic about love. I have a friend that is happily married but so negative about love. Another that just doesn’t believe that love exist. A third that is going through a divorce and doesn’t want anymore serious relationships because this will be his second divorce. However, it is just not about love relationships-is it?
The man in my story, he had no one. He was alone. Most likely because he was angry and honestly a bit on the hateful side. A way that I know many of us have found ourselves in the wake of grief, sadness, devastation, or whatever else is thrown on our way on the negative side. I know that I have, but what I am realizing as I type this…we can’t alienate people because of our pain. When we are suffering through whatever, some of us do tend to alienate because we already feel alone. Alone because we are unsure, or scared, or know that no one will truly understand what we are going through. However, if we are not careful….we really could end up being actually alone.
I don’t honestly know if there is an easy solution to this. There most likely isn’t, but I know that no one deserves to be sitting alone in a nursing home….bitter and angry because of a life that didn’t go their way. Do we really choose our paths? I don’t know where I stand on that, but I am starting to see that we do have a choice on how many people actually stick around. Some will leave on their own, but I’d rather them do that than it being because I wasn’t willing to let them in when I needed them most.
This is just some random thoughts. Do not take anything away from it other than a message of thought. I chose an old picture to post, because of the content. I’ll post a fresh pic the next time. Until then-live, laugh, love, and let it ride.
~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~