Tag Archive | rambling

Burn It….

DSC_2393Burn it to the ground….not literally, because that would be a crime.

I had actually started another project, a non-photography project, that didn’t work out the way that I wanted it to.  It made me realize that I may not have what it takes to be a crafty and artistic in that way.  I can always envision things, but I can rarely, rarely bring them to fruition.  Sometimes, I can bring to life something else that is bearable, but rarely the original vision.

I keep trying, though.   I guess that it is really what counts, so they say.

I wanted to represent something.  Rising from the ashes.  Burning away the negative.  Burning away all the horrible things.  Burning of something that needs to be given up.  Something that cannot be let go of, because there was no closure and no answers.  Something like that.

It’s been so long since I began this post (I may have gotten distracted) that I’ve lost my train of thought.  Either way, I hope that you like this picture.

Have a beautiful day and tomorrow.
~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

A Little Light

DSC_1905I do not know if it is the lockdown, or what it might be, but I am feeling a bit more unfulfilled than usual.   Trapped.  Restless.  I could blame lockdown, and I’m sure that it doesn’t help; however, it is more than that.  My soul is desperate for change and is unsure how to achieve that.  Current real world situations do not help.

I should be sitting here preparing for my trip.  The one I’ve been fortunate enough to take every years for the last several.  I should be packing and stressing.  Overthinking.  Wondering if I should be using that money or saving it for something else.  Pondering how I do not really want to go alone, but that I need the time away.  I should be getting excited and restless as the days count down to my last clock out for two weeks, but alas I am not.  My trip will not happen this year.  COVID19 has seen to that.

I could postpone it with the assumption like the masses that this virus will be gone and we can get back to living by summer, but I’m not that optimistic.  There will be no real hope until a vaccine is released, because we just aren’t capable of shutting our lives off for the length of time that it would take.

Camping should be fine.  Getting out of the house is not the problem.  The problem is that people group together when they are out.  The places that I wanted to visit this year, most of them would likely be crowded.  The campgrounds would for sure be.  It is too early for big trips and a lot of places are not even looking at reopening yet.

I would need to take it by the end of the summer, but either way it will not be a big trip. There are many factors, COVID19 is just the big one.  It is fine.  It is not fine, but it is not something that is within our control, so I’m trying to do better about stressing less about those things.

I have had multiple art projects on my mind.  Directions that I want to take with my photography.  Not to completely change paths, but to add something more to the mix.  I can envision it, I just do not know how to bring it to life.  I also have some art pieces that I can envision, but again…I’m just not sure how to bring them to life.   My artistic creativity seems to disconnect between my brain and my fingers.  My photography is pretty simple, which works for some of it but I need it to scream.  To resonate.  To touch.  To feel.  I know that it does for me…on some of it, but I want something more I think.   Something that just….I want to use the word powerful, but I don’t know if that is quite right either.

I think this is why I like this picture.  Some will say that I should open up the shadows and what not, but I actually love the look of this one.  It was underexposed except for the area around his face.  He was sitting in a tree and the light was shining through the branches and leaves just right, so even though I underexposed accidentally-it had a nice affect I think. I hope that you think so too.

For now, I must call it a day.  Thank you for stopping by.  Have a beautiful day and tomorrow.  Live, laugh, love, and let it ride.

~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

The Words…

DSC_6282I wonder what it would be like for my words to mean something.  To truly be heard.  To be felt.  To merely come out the way that I mean for them to.  Somewhere along the way I have lost my voice.  That is assuming that I had one to begin with.

I’ve sat down to write a post many of times.  Many of times I’ve failed to follow through, or I’ve posted it and deleted it before it was up long enough to matter.   I cannot honestly say why.  There could be any number of reasons, but right now everything is starting to blur together.  I’m sure that I’m not alone there,  lockdowns are not kind to idle minds.

I have had a little bit too much time to reflect on my life.  I have noticed that I’m not on the extreme end of thinkers on this COVID-19 thing, but I’m also not one of those that thinks it’s just the flu.  I fall somewhere in the middle.  Not terrified but still taking it seriously.   It’s made me think about things in my life….things like I think that maybe my life has always been just magazine covers and that I’ve never actually opened the issue to read it.

I know that probably doesn’t make sense, but I’m not really sure how else to explain it.  I feel like when it comes to figuring out me, and things that I want, that I just kind of scratch the surface but never really make any progress.  I know, “Would you like a little cheese with that whine?”  It’s not my intent and I know that I’m not alone.

All of the thoughts and all of the real world affairs, my head has been a bit crowded.  It’s been a trial to get things done.  A lot of my people have been talking about their cleaning frenzies,  I’ve not had that problem…unfortunately.  However, in my defense….the only thing that has really changed for me is that I can’t go anywhere if I want to because there is no where to go.  Traveling is frowned upon and This town, IN doesn’t have anything to offer in the way of entertainment when everything is closed.  I’m still working full time, for now, and I’m still working the farm part time.  My weekends are just a little bit more open.  Still enough to drive me up the wall.  Having to be conscientious about when I go to the store, what I touch, who is in my bubble (Not that I’ve ever loved anyone of non-choice in my bubble, but just the same).

I’ve lost my train of thought….that is what I get for multitasking and not having a firm grasp on what I wanted to write.

This is picture is one of Mshindi’s troop.  I cannot remember which one.  I think Asha? Maybe.  I could look it up, but I’m currently unaware of the whereabouts of my phone.  I posted a colored version of this picture on Facebook, but I loving the black and white.   I have so many pictures to post; hopefully, I can get myself back in it.  For now, I hope you like this one, or the colored one.

DSC_6283

Have a great night!
~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

Reflections

DSC_0998I have sat down to write a blog post close to a hundred times. I type it and then change my mind over and over again.

I have sat down to write a blog post a handful of times.  Typed it up, posted it, and then deleted it.  I say a handful of times, but it is more times than I can actually count.

I could analyze the reasons, but the truth is….I just haven’t been into it.  I have lost my voice because I have become more and more concerned about what I say.   What words I will use, what tone it will have, how it will be perceived, do I want that out there, will be judge me, and a million other thoughts.  It is a case of overthinking, but it is also a case of someone who has been turned into a wallflower.

Like most people these days, I have been reflecting on my life.  I am actually always doing that, but it seems more so than normal.  I could blame the virus and “stay-at-home” orders, but honestly-my life hasn’t changed much.  I still work, I still go to feed horses (because they need to eat too), and then I come home.  For me, the only difference is…I have nowhere to go when I do want to get and go somewhere.  I have a even less contact with people then before and it has opened up some doors….of the mind.

I won’t delve into that.  I think that I wanted to.  That was my intent when I started this piece, but now that I am this far (and got distracted with a work call)….well, I’ve actually forgotten what I wanted to say and how I wanted to go about it.  That has been another problem of mine.  I’ve become so easily distracted with anything that isn’t thinking.  My mind and body are overwhelmed.  I think a lot of us are in that arena, for different reasons.

With that said, I hope that you like the picture. I wanted to post a picture that went with what I wanted to say, but I’m also realizing that becomes an unrealistic goal.  A topic for another day.  Anyway, this picture was taken with my new-used camera.   Still Nikon, but this is a D750 which is an upgrade from my D7100.  Was it an choice to upgrade and purchase another camera?  Yes and no.  My D7100 broke….again.  The same issue as the first two times.  Yes, twice before…same issue.  My fault, but having it fixed becomes a bit more expensive each time.   Super aggravating, even if it is my fault because I have never had that issue with my other Nikon and even the woman at the camera shot found this particular issue very peculiar that this is even an issue I have.

I saw with it for a bit and struggled with it, but it just became the most logical decision.  Or maybe I just wanted it to be because I wanted a camera that wasn’t one of the two I already had.  Once I bought my D7100, it became my go-to over my other one (D5300, I think…be honest, it rarely gets used).  I loved that camera.  So, when it broke again…I weighed whether or not it was truly worth fixing…again.  I decided for now that it wasn’t, but I also didn’t want to be stuck with my D5300.  It’s a good enough camera, but I’ve already had  a taste of not using it and I find it hard to go back to those specs.

I knew that fixing my D7100 would be more expensive, because it goes up each time.  I also figured that I could get a new one for what it would cost to fix it….I was wrong. I could buy a used one for what it would cost to fix it, but then that just seemed like a ridiculous move.  Why buy a used one for the same price that I could just fix the one I had.  The one that I already know what kind of life it has lived.  That is when I decided to explore my options of upgrading.   Even used without the accessories, the camera body was more than what it would have cost to fix my other one, but I am happy with my decision.  I’ve only used it a handful of times so far, but I’m loving the upgrade.  Eventually, I may get the other one fixed and use it as a backup, but for now …it will collect dust.

I’ve written longer than I intended without any real topic, so I’m going to call it a day.  I really hope that you like the photo.  The reflection is of nothing particular, but I was excited that I was able to catch the reflection.  I’ve only managed that one other time and that was on Ms.  Gordy.  This is Duder and I think I was even more excited that he stood still long enough for me to catch it.  Gypsy Vanners (or just any horse that knows you tend to have cookies in your pocket), what can you do?

Have a beautiful day and tomorrow.

~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

The Words…

DSC_2163I was once reminded that our words are always out there.  Once we put them on the internet, that is it.  Whether we delete them from the original posting or not, they can always be found.

I have been thinking about that a lot lately.  Like a lot, even for me.  I have also been thinking about how one my uncle’s told me once that i had become too different.  The way I thought, my thinking process…it had become too different.  I now sit and wonder the implications of that statement.

I have had a lot of thoughts and I’ve said a lot of words.   I used to think that I never said anything that I didn’t mean, but now I wonder if that is true.  There are so many psychological aspects to why we do and say things that we do.  I am sure that mine came from a place of meaning at the time, but now…looking back, they stand with more question than they did at the time.  Hindsight, am I right?

I won’t delve into all that right now.  I’ve just been thinking about my old blog post and whether they represent what I want them to.  What I thought was me?  I know deleting them may be pointless. Maybe be moot.  Still, I don’t know.  Just bouncing thoughts for now.

The picture above is Picasso.  He is a wild mustang in the basin in Colorado.  He was the first to greet me when I entered the basin.  Let me know I was on the right course, because it took me a while to find it.  The directions failed me, go figure.  The “Verizon go anywhere” apparently has its limitations.  Always has its limitations, or I’m just really good at finding those places that Verizon doesn’t go.

Anyway, at the time Picasso was a lone bachelor.  From my understanding he was ran out of his herd.  The younger generation.  I don’t know what his status is today, I was hoping to make it back there this year to see if he was still about and to spend more time in the basin.  Here’s to hoping that is still an option as we maneuver through our current reality.

Until the next time.  Enjoy the picture.

~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

A New Light

DSC_3990bwThat is really what we need. A new light at this point.

I had originally posted this picture with a different words written.  A much longer post.  A much more soapboxy post, because I had felt bad about the fact these were at a zoo and I felt I needed to justify something about my stance.  Then, I deleted it because I remembered who I was and that people are always going to have opinions.

“Other people’s opinions of me are none of my business.”

That might be paraphrasing a bit, but I read that in a book.  It is true, really.  I spend way too much time worried about other people’s opinions.  I know that this is something that we’ve already established.  Just the same, it doesn’t hurt to be reminded of it so I can remember I don’t kneed to be.

I’ve been tucked away in my apartment for the last several days.  Not because of “The Virus,”  but because of a virus.  I opted to quarantine myself, not only because it is the right thing to do when you are sick, but because everything that compromises our immune system makes us more susceptible to “The Virus,” as I have decided to call it.  It’s lonely, but necessary.  It also makes me think about the impact this virus is going to have on society.

The news surrounding “The Virus” has been mishandled and because of that things have gotten way out of hand.  Because of that, things will never be the same.  I’m worried, if not terrified, about the everlasting effects that this is going to have on us.  Fear is a dangerous, dangerous thing and I’ve always believed that humans are the biggest threat.  Actions of people in the states are proving that.  Things could have been handled differently, they should have been handled differently.  Alas, here we are.

Italy is coming together and having musical gatherings on their balconies while quarantined to their home while here in the states people are fighting over toilet paper and sanitizer.  Clearing off shelves of milk, bread, and other foods.   After thoughts from the toilet paper chaos.   Forgetting that there are elderly people that not only cannot get out to go to the store on their own, but also do not necessarily have the means to buy up every single thing they can.  That there are people that barely have grocery money after bills, let alone enough money to bulk buy for the apocalypse.  Fear is selfish and people, well…I will digress while I am ahead.

Anyway, the point is that we need a new light.  Whatever that may look like to get there, I am unsure but what is happening right now is not the way.  I am not always the most positive person; especially, when I am feeling sad and empty but now is not the time to dump that on people.  I will do my best to post happy thoughts and hope that you enjoy the pictures.  It may be all we have for a while.

This beautiful baby pictured is one of Mshindi’s troop.  I’m still trying to determine the other four.  I think this is Bandia to Tulivu, both females.  Mshindi is the only male in his troop, for what I can only assume are obvious reasons.  The fourth member is Asha, you will meet her late.

I don’t know that I will ever know all of their names, or be able to distinguish them apart but they are beautiful and whether they live in a zoo or not, they deserve to be recognized.

Have a beautiful day and tomorrow while trying to stay positive.

~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

Fine Line

DSC_3990bwI sat and watched them for what seemed like hours.  It was not.  The zoo was crowded and there were a million opinions flying.  Idiotic frat boys calling out the gorilla names in a mocking tone in attempts to gain their attention.  Then making jokes.  Or the million parents “oohing and awing” as they pointed out the animals to their young-ins.  That is the life of a zoo.

As I watched them, I was sad.  I do get a bit excited as I see the big Silverback eyeing the crowd.  Or the rest of his troop soaking up the sun.  This excitement is often short lived.

I look at their eyes and watch the way that they watch us.  I wonder what they are thinking.  I believe that they know there is more to life than what is in the confinements of their walls.  They are not stupid animals.  They watch.  They observe.  They know.

The fact that I am at the zoo is misleading enough for some.  This paired with the fact that I realize I may never see these animals otherwise may lead some to deduce that I am “glad” for zoos.  That is a quote and this is not to call anyone out.  The comment was meant in a kindhearted, educated manner.  However, it led me to feel I needed to clarify something.

I am not naive to the situation of zoo animals.  My acceptance of zoos should also not be misconstrued as being “glad”, “happy”  that they exist.  Zoos are a man-made.  Made because humans are selfish.  Made because some humans have good intentions in a less than desirable situation.  Still zoos are a necessary evil….not all zoos.  There is a fine line and there are some “zoos” that should most definitely not be called zoos.  Alas, zoos are inevitable and the animals that live there…they can no longer live out in the wild, or never lived there to begin with.  I’m not lost to the disheartening implications of this.

I am also not naive, or foolish, enough to believe that zoos indicate “wild animals.”  I am well aware that there is no wild left in these animals.   They have instincts by nature, but that essence in which makes them “wild,”  well, man took that from them a long-long time ago.

We often make assumptions of people, because we hold in such high regard our own situations and opinions.  We tend to be dismissive and think we know their character because we view our perspective as so much better.  Though, the comment that provoked this post was meant as nothing more than a kind-hearted perspective for consideration…it still left me feeling bad, because of the fact that I went to a zoo.

I would do anything to hop on a plane and go gallivanting in the mountains of Uganda on a gorilla trekking tour.  Sweat it up in the Congo.  This is  high on the bucket list, but it is also a decades worth of pay.   Maybe had I been a different person, the idea of this type of trip wouldn’t seem so financially impossible.  However, this girl….she’s made many of mistakes.  Financial obligations that make achieving such a “once in a lifetime” trip almost unattainable.   This does not mean that it is not important to me.  It does not mean that it is not something that I want.  It means that I am realistic about my situation and the odds of it being achieved; especially, in a world where our tomorrow is very much in jeopardy.

I watch live safari viewings and things of that nature.  Animal documentaries when I have the chance, but it doesn’t replace seeing them in person.  Seeing them in a zoo…by no means does that introduce to the same animal we would see in the wild, but this is the world that we live in .

I would hope that in my time blogging, and the occasions that I speak upon animals, that my care and love for animals has become quite apparent.  That I would not go to the zoo to be unkind, unloving, or lacking in decent behavior.  I actually am naive enough to believe that the fees we pay to get into the zoo, that they actually go towards the well-being of the animals.

Whether we like it or not, this is their home.  They deserve recognition and they deserve the funding to ensure that they are able to maintain their lives, because if not….the next situation may be even less ideal.  I also like to believe that being able to go t the zoo gives me the opportunity to “check up” on the animals, evaluate the situation, and make notes of the things that I can demand change for.  That is where I fall on the naive scale, I know, but it is the best option to an extremely unfortunate situation.

We view situations and make assumptions about what should be.  This is fine, but we also do not tend to think about the alternatives.  We want to believe everything would be coming up daisies if the situations were different, but sometimes that pretty little flower is still just a weed.  Sanctuaries here in the states, not really any better than zoos.  Most of these animals, should the zoos be closed, would not go “wild life preserves.”  They would go to other zoos, or “sanctuaries.”  They will never be released into the wild and the alternatives are not always the best.   Not all zoos are also bad places.  Not all zoos are good places.  There are places that have animals that should very much be shut down and have their hides beat to the next day.  We have to pick our battles and we have to think of the outcome.  Outcomes are not always what we want them to be.

Again, this does mean that I am “glad” that zoos exist.  It means that I accept that they do and I realize the alternative could be worse.  I am not malevolent towards animals and my going to a zoo shouldn’t be misconstrued as otherwise.  I’m also sorry if that puts my character into question.  If it makes you think less of me because of such.  There’s really nothing that can be done about that.

I just wanted to see beautiful gorillas. I wanted to share photos that I was proud of, because at the end of the day…they are still big beautiful animals that deserve to be seen.

I am sorry for the ranty type post.  I really just needed to get it off my chest as the comment I read…well, again…over-thinker and so it has been running rapidly through my head.  It marinated overnight and so I really just wanted to state my peace.

I appreciate everyone’s opinions because we all have them.  I also appreciate everyone that takes the time to read my blog.  I hope that you like the picture.

Live, laugh, love, and let it ride.
~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~