Somewhere long ago I became lost. As I’ve gotten older, this feeling has just gotten worse. Moving into my 43rd year of living, it has gotten hard to…well, truth is I don’t know the right words. Anything that I say is going to make it sound like I’m in this deep, deep dark depression and that just doesn’t really feel like the case. It is more like I’m stuck somewhere in the abyss.
Why am I telling you this? In small part to explain my absence, which isn’t really something I expected anyone to notice….it is humbling when people prove you wrong. It is also to really just ramble I think.
For some time I have been feeling….well, honestly, excruciatingly bored and frustrated with this life of mine. The attempts to figure out how to change it so that I don’t feel that way, they have been less than helpful. They have really just fueled the fire that has opened the gateway to the abyss. I allowed myself to get sucked in without fighting. It just required too much energy.
There are things that contributed, but nothing was the sole perpetrator. The loss of a internet friend. I can’t really blame that at all. I am embarrassed to admit that I really only mourned him for a short time. It was more of the fact that it was a lost soul who felt this was his only option and I don’t want people to ever feel that way. The fact that I truly understood why he had done it. The thought has passed through my mind, but there is so much more that always pulls me back. I’m just truly saddened and heartbroken for those that can’t find this in their lives. I wish I could just wrap them up and keep them safe, but life just doesn’t work that way.
It could be the loss of something that maybe just wasn’t ever meant to be. A soul crushing moment, because I felt like a fool. A fool for allowing myself to be happy and for believing that things may actually turn around for me. A fool for making up excuses as to why he just wrote me off without explanation. A fool for allowing it to weight so heavy on my heart that I lost site of this confidence everyone else seems to believe I have.
I could be the rut that I am in job wise. Working a job that I cannot stand because it truly does not require any real brain activity to do the work. The fact that most of my work is outsourced to an overseas company that I’m also expected to support when they have questions. The other day I realized how insulting it is that my work has been taken and given to this company and that what I do is purely support work and that I’m to answer this questions when they have them about the work they were given. It could also be that I have to be thankful and grateful because of the fact that I still have this job, because there are so people out there that cannot find a job. And if I lived a different life, this job would actually pay a decent amount of money. I am thankful for it, but it doesn’t make it any less of what it has become.
It could be that I’m working to get out of this dead-end job of mine and better my life, but I have to move to go to grad school because I’ve only been considered good enough to get into one of the several that I applied for. Yet, once I make the decision as to where I’m moving…everything starts falling apart or making me question it for other reasons. I wanted to feel like I was moving towards something, not just changing the scenery on something that will never change.
That I’m not sure if I’ve chosen the right path to continue on for my career but it is the one that is easiest to figure out how to pay for. Or that I’ve reached a point where all the materialistic things have reached a point of frivolous existence. I have actually found myself embarrassed by the amount of boots that I own. I love my boots and I don’t foresee me getting rid of them, but I am embarrassed and ashamed about the amount of money I have wrapped in boots and clothes. It seems especially so since I rarely go anywhere anymore to wear them. The things we are not supposed to focus on like, if I hadn’t spent that money there…well, I could be spending here instead.
All of this could be caused by the fact that I have a brain that literally never shuts off and doesn’t seem to actually know how to focus on anything other than the negative and the bad. That I feel alone at the loss of decade long friendships. That my body has decided that it only knows how to ache and I’m afraid the day will come when I will no longer be able to move. Not because I do not want to, but because I can’t. It has already started as there has been twice now that I’ve awakened to find I can’t move my head. The second time nowhere near as bad as the first, but is that a sign of what is to come? A body that is slowly shutting down? I don’t know what I would do if I cannot walk, workout, hike, camp, ride horses. All wonderful thoughts to a neurotic brain that already overthinks and focuses on the worst case scenarios.
It could be countless other things, but the truth is…it is really all of them. They’ve all led to this piled on by age and the need for life changes that never seem to come…no matter what I do.
Now, by no means do I need anyone to feel sorry for me. I’m not looking for sympathy or empathy. I’m good. I own my stuff and I know how most of them have ended up where they are. I don’t really know why I’m posting it now. I am sure I’ll overthink it and start feeling guilty about it, but for now….here it is.
There are things that I want to do with my photography. My writing, which I have actually been doing more of lately. Thank goodness for broken hearts I suppose, some of us do better creatively when tortured. Anyway, I don’t really know where I’m going with them, or how I am going to get there. With that said, as always I don’t know what that means for the future of my blog but until I try to not stay gone so long.
Thank you to all of you for following and sticking around; especially, if you do so after reading this post. You are amazing and I appreciate you.
~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~