Archive | April 2020

A Little Light

DSC_1905I do not know if it is the lockdown, or what it might be, but I am feeling a bit more unfulfilled than usual.   Trapped.  Restless.  I could blame lockdown, and I’m sure that it doesn’t help; however, it is more than that.  My soul is desperate for change and is unsure how to achieve that.  Current real world situations do not help.

I should be sitting here preparing for my trip.  The one I’ve been fortunate enough to take every years for the last several.  I should be packing and stressing.  Overthinking.  Wondering if I should be using that money or saving it for something else.  Pondering how I do not really want to go alone, but that I need the time away.  I should be getting excited and restless as the days count down to my last clock out for two weeks, but alas I am not.  My trip will not happen this year.  COVID19 has seen to that.

I could postpone it with the assumption like the masses that this virus will be gone and we can get back to living by summer, but I’m not that optimistic.  There will be no real hope until a vaccine is released, because we just aren’t capable of shutting our lives off for the length of time that it would take.

Camping should be fine.  Getting out of the house is not the problem.  The problem is that people group together when they are out.  The places that I wanted to visit this year, most of them would likely be crowded.  The campgrounds would for sure be.  It is too early for big trips and a lot of places are not even looking at reopening yet.

I would need to take it by the end of the summer, but either way it will not be a big trip. There are many factors, COVID19 is just the big one.  It is fine.  It is not fine, but it is not something that is within our control, so I’m trying to do better about stressing less about those things.

I have had multiple art projects on my mind.  Directions that I want to take with my photography.  Not to completely change paths, but to add something more to the mix.  I can envision it, I just do not know how to bring it to life.  I also have some art pieces that I can envision, but again…I’m just not sure how to bring them to life.   My artistic creativity seems to disconnect between my brain and my fingers.  My photography is pretty simple, which works for some of it but I need it to scream.  To resonate.  To touch.  To feel.  I know that it does for me…on some of it, but I want something more I think.   Something that just….I want to use the word powerful, but I don’t know if that is quite right either.

I think this is why I like this picture.  Some will say that I should open up the shadows and what not, but I actually love the look of this one.  It was underexposed except for the area around his face.  He was sitting in a tree and the light was shining through the branches and leaves just right, so even though I underexposed accidentally-it had a nice affect I think. I hope that you think so too.

For now, I must call it a day.  Thank you for stopping by.  Have a beautiful day and tomorrow.  Live, laugh, love, and let it ride.

~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

The Words…

DSC_6282I wonder what it would be like for my words to mean something.  To truly be heard.  To be felt.  To merely come out the way that I mean for them to.  Somewhere along the way I have lost my voice.  That is assuming that I had one to begin with.

I’ve sat down to write a post many of times.  Many of times I’ve failed to follow through, or I’ve posted it and deleted it before it was up long enough to matter.   I cannot honestly say why.  There could be any number of reasons, but right now everything is starting to blur together.  I’m sure that I’m not alone there,  lockdowns are not kind to idle minds.

I have had a little bit too much time to reflect on my life.  I have noticed that I’m not on the extreme end of thinkers on this COVID-19 thing, but I’m also not one of those that thinks it’s just the flu.  I fall somewhere in the middle.  Not terrified but still taking it seriously.   It’s made me think about things in my life….things like I think that maybe my life has always been just magazine covers and that I’ve never actually opened the issue to read it.

I know that probably doesn’t make sense, but I’m not really sure how else to explain it.  I feel like when it comes to figuring out me, and things that I want, that I just kind of scratch the surface but never really make any progress.  I know, “Would you like a little cheese with that whine?”  It’s not my intent and I know that I’m not alone.

All of the thoughts and all of the real world affairs, my head has been a bit crowded.  It’s been a trial to get things done.  A lot of my people have been talking about their cleaning frenzies,  I’ve not had that problem…unfortunately.  However, in my defense….the only thing that has really changed for me is that I can’t go anywhere if I want to because there is no where to go.  Traveling is frowned upon and This town, IN doesn’t have anything to offer in the way of entertainment when everything is closed.  I’m still working full time, for now, and I’m still working the farm part time.  My weekends are just a little bit more open.  Still enough to drive me up the wall.  Having to be conscientious about when I go to the store, what I touch, who is in my bubble (Not that I’ve ever loved anyone of non-choice in my bubble, but just the same).

I’ve lost my train of thought….that is what I get for multitasking and not having a firm grasp on what I wanted to write.

This is picture is one of Mshindi’s troop.  I cannot remember which one.  I think Asha? Maybe.  I could look it up, but I’m currently unaware of the whereabouts of my phone.  I posted a colored version of this picture on Facebook, but I loving the black and white.   I have so many pictures to post; hopefully, I can get myself back in it.  For now, I hope you like this one, or the colored one.

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Have a great night!
~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

Reflections

DSC_0998I have sat down to write a blog post close to a hundred times. I type it and then change my mind over and over again.

I have sat down to write a blog post a handful of times.  Typed it up, posted it, and then deleted it.  I say a handful of times, but it is more times than I can actually count.

I could analyze the reasons, but the truth is….I just haven’t been into it.  I have lost my voice because I have become more and more concerned about what I say.   What words I will use, what tone it will have, how it will be perceived, do I want that out there, will be judge me, and a million other thoughts.  It is a case of overthinking, but it is also a case of someone who has been turned into a wallflower.

Like most people these days, I have been reflecting on my life.  I am actually always doing that, but it seems more so than normal.  I could blame the virus and “stay-at-home” orders, but honestly-my life hasn’t changed much.  I still work, I still go to feed horses (because they need to eat too), and then I come home.  For me, the only difference is…I have nowhere to go when I do want to get and go somewhere.  I have a even less contact with people then before and it has opened up some doors….of the mind.

I won’t delve into that.  I think that I wanted to.  That was my intent when I started this piece, but now that I am this far (and got distracted with a work call)….well, I’ve actually forgotten what I wanted to say and how I wanted to go about it.  That has been another problem of mine.  I’ve become so easily distracted with anything that isn’t thinking.  My mind and body are overwhelmed.  I think a lot of us are in that arena, for different reasons.

With that said, I hope that you like the picture. I wanted to post a picture that went with what I wanted to say, but I’m also realizing that becomes an unrealistic goal.  A topic for another day.  Anyway, this picture was taken with my new-used camera.   Still Nikon, but this is a D750 which is an upgrade from my D7100.  Was it an choice to upgrade and purchase another camera?  Yes and no.  My D7100 broke….again.  The same issue as the first two times.  Yes, twice before…same issue.  My fault, but having it fixed becomes a bit more expensive each time.   Super aggravating, even if it is my fault because I have never had that issue with my other Nikon and even the woman at the camera shot found this particular issue very peculiar that this is even an issue I have.

I saw with it for a bit and struggled with it, but it just became the most logical decision.  Or maybe I just wanted it to be because I wanted a camera that wasn’t one of the two I already had.  Once I bought my D7100, it became my go-to over my other one (D5300, I think…be honest, it rarely gets used).  I loved that camera.  So, when it broke again…I weighed whether or not it was truly worth fixing…again.  I decided for now that it wasn’t, but I also didn’t want to be stuck with my D5300.  It’s a good enough camera, but I’ve already had  a taste of not using it and I find it hard to go back to those specs.

I knew that fixing my D7100 would be more expensive, because it goes up each time.  I also figured that I could get a new one for what it would cost to fix it….I was wrong. I could buy a used one for what it would cost to fix it, but then that just seemed like a ridiculous move.  Why buy a used one for the same price that I could just fix the one I had.  The one that I already know what kind of life it has lived.  That is when I decided to explore my options of upgrading.   Even used without the accessories, the camera body was more than what it would have cost to fix my other one, but I am happy with my decision.  I’ve only used it a handful of times so far, but I’m loving the upgrade.  Eventually, I may get the other one fixed and use it as a backup, but for now …it will collect dust.

I’ve written longer than I intended without any real topic, so I’m going to call it a day.  I really hope that you like the photo.  The reflection is of nothing particular, but I was excited that I was able to catch the reflection.  I’ve only managed that one other time and that was on Ms.  Gordy.  This is Duder and I think I was even more excited that he stood still long enough for me to catch it.  Gypsy Vanners (or just any horse that knows you tend to have cookies in your pocket), what can you do?

Have a beautiful day and tomorrow.

~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~