Wondering Thoughts

DSC_6478bwToday as I was sitting at my desk, I thought of something that I honestly hadn’t thought about since it happened.  An angry old man sitting alone in a nursing home.

I’ve been lost in my head a lot thinking about a broken heart.  What it did wrong? What is wrong with it?  Why it is always coming up short?  What it has done to justify all the failures?  Most will say that it is not the heart’s fault.  That it is being too hard on itself.  It’s the other person’s loss.  It never feels that way, though.  Anyway, today as I was thinking about broken hearts, I remembered a gentleman that I met in one of my clinicals back in the day.

I don’t remember much about him, but I do remember that he was angry.  Very angry.  He was a much older gentleman.  Not necessarily my grandparents’ age, but he was up there.  He had been into art, history, or books….maybe all the above.  I don’t quite remember, but I remember he had a very scholarly, artsy way about him.  The kind of stereotype you would see in the movies, I guess.  A bit on the pretentious side, but thinking back now it would seem that maybe he had earned the right.  Anyway, along his life he had one love and it didn’t end well.  He was angry.

I don’t remember the exact details on the subject.  They had parted ways, though. I think it was the other that had decided to go.  Their paths had gone in different directions and this gentleman I spoke to now, he was paying the price.  I am not sure how long they had been parted, but it was evident in the way he spoke that he had allowed his heart to become cold,hard…..angry and I mean, A.N.G.R.Y.

I am sure that his current situation did not help.  Sitting alone in a nursing home, because he was unable to completely care for himself.  I am thinking a lot of it was the being alone.  He had no pictures of family.  If I remember, he had no family.

I am not sure what made me think of him.  Like I said, I haven’t given him much thought since that day at my clinical.  I don’t even remember how long he was there.  I do not even remember seeing him again. I feel like it was only the once.  However, I guess if I was to put on my psychiatrist hat, I could definitely figure out what made me think of him.  I think that we all could, without pulling out the psychological analysis.  Anyway.

I think that the take away here is to accept the broken heart but not allow oneself to become jaded.  Angry.  Not everyone does this, but I feel like I’ve talked to a lot of jaded people lately.  People that are pessimistic about love.  I have a friend that is happily married but so negative about love.  Another that just doesn’t believe that love exist.  A third that is going through a divorce and doesn’t want anymore serious relationships because this will be his second divorce.  However, it is just not about love relationships-is it?

The man in my story, he had no one.  He was alone.  Most likely because he was angry and honestly a bit on the hateful side.  A way that I know many of us have found ourselves in the wake of grief, sadness, devastation, or whatever else is thrown on our way on the negative side. I know that I have, but what I am realizing as I type this…we can’t alienate people because of our pain.  When we are suffering through whatever, some of us do tend to alienate because we already feel alone.  Alone because we are unsure, or scared, or know that no one will truly understand what we are going through.  However, if we are not careful….we really could end up being actually alone.

I don’t honestly know if there is an easy solution to this.  There most likely isn’t, but I know that no one deserves to be sitting alone in a nursing home….bitter and angry because of a life that didn’t go their way.  Do we really choose our paths?  I don’t know where I stand on that, but I am starting to see that we do have a choice on how many people actually stick around.  Some will leave on their own, but I’d rather them do that than it being because I wasn’t willing to let them in when I needed them most.

This is just some random thoughts.  Do not take anything away from it other than a message of thought.  I chose an old picture to post, because of the content.  I’ll post a fresh pic the next time.  Until then-live, laugh, love, and let it ride.

~SMH, Montana Rose Photography~

4 thoughts on “Wondering Thoughts

  1. interesting observations.

    Once, many years ago (seventies) during a very cold winter one of my brothers went out to start the car up. He came back a minute later white as a ghost! He asked me where our two cats were? I looked in the living room and saw them in their usual spots. All accounted for I said!
    He said her heard a loud scream when he turned over the engine. He was afraid one of our cats had crawled up inside the motor for the heat. Ours hadn’t but someones had!
    He was too afraid to go look so I went out to have a look. I popped the hood,…..yep, there was a cat and it was badly mangled and pinned but still alive!
    I remember trying to help it but I couldn’t. It would lash out at me wildly as soon as I came close!
    I realized there was no way this poor creature was going to live much longer and decided to put it down. I went across the street and borrowed our cousins car. I attached a pool hose to the exhaust and secured the other end right in front of the poor cat.
    I went inside and waited for half a hour. When I came back out it had passed. I took the wrench and loosened the fan belt enough to get the fan blade out of its head.
    I felt so sorry for this poor creature that I naively grabbed a shovel and went to go dig it a grave. I found a nice spot in a local forest. I tried to dig but the ground was like steel! No way was I going to be digging anything till Spring!
    So I made a rock cairn. I said a few words and walked back home.

    The reason why I brought up this story is because I see a parallel between your story and mine.
    Both animals were lashing out due to pain.
    A plant needs three things to live…….water, sunlight and nutrition. If it doesn’t get any or all of these critical elements it will not grow and could die.
    A human meeds two things,…….. to love and be loved. If a human does not get love or cannot give love, he/she will go into a state of stress and over time this will turn into a chronic emotional pain.
    I suspect this old man you encountered was in this state?
    I do not know what to do in situations like this but giving unconditional love might help?

    Liked by 1 person

    • All we can do is give unconditional love. I’m not sure he would have gotten that from some of the others in my clinical, but my presence (whatever he conceived it as) gave him enough that he did lighten his mood which is how I came about knowing his story.

      Some this works with, some it does not. My internet friend that committed suicide, I see this in his brother. He is very loss and broken. Angry that no one is mourning the way that he does. I don’t know how he is reacting to those closer to him, in person, but attacks go wide on anyone that offers him something other than the words he wants to hear. I get the pain and anger, I do. All we can do is be there, but some just do not want it no matter what. People stick around as long as they can, but sometimes things become toxic and people give up and leave. I try never to leave, because I’ve seen both sides of the fence. I don’t know, though.

      Stay until we can’t, I guess.


      • I was thinking about what you said and It gave me a bit more insight.
        Consider a friendship with another person to be like a strand,like a spiders web. This strand connects you both together.
        By having many friends a safety net has been woven through our social interaction. We can use this net when we fall……..and everyone falls sooner or later. Its what we do when we fall that is the question?
        So If someone stays by themselves and does not reach out to others, they have not created a safety net for themselves and to walk upon that ground is very very dangerous

        Liked by 1 person

      • Very true. I actually read an article the other day about the importance of establishing a “community”. Basically, that safety net you spoke of.

        I know how hard it is for some to do this, but I am also realizing how important it truly is. All food for thoughts to ponder. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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