Sunset, and passing a fence
The idea that all that holds us together
Like the pieces of wood, bowed in the middle of the barricade
Is our softness. Only the resolution
In such kindness
Keeps us from going over the edge, Or down With the sun.
~J. MacLean. Jun 9, 1981 – Sep 13, 2019~
I have tried to come back to the blog world on many of occasions. I’ve not had it in me. Of course it would take this to bring it out. A death. A suicide. A lost soul. I’m sure there is some psychological reasoning behind it. I know that there is. Being lost is part of the reason I’ve been gone.
This soul was not someone I ever knew in person. We had a long 10 plus year online friendship that started in the world of Myspace over writings and photography. Mainly writing back then. It would transfer to Facebook. It would be consistent until we had a disagreement about….suicide. It seems ironic now. The callous part of me, the angry part of me screams about the irony of it. This friend, his stance was that suicide is selfish. Mine would be that it is not selfish because we do not know what that person is going through. How lonely and heart broken and lost that person has to be to choose that path. The irony would be that it became his reality.
I know not the details. Just what I’ve read and pieced together from his family. He was walking along a road. Lonely, lost, deep in sadness, deep in darkness. He was hit by a commercial truck. He chose to be hit by the truck. Chose to end his life. His pain. His suffering. Most will view it has selfish. I hold true to my truth, which is we don’t know how much pain he was in to make this decision. How lonely and lost he had to feel. I’m angry because years early that same man chose to end a friendship with me because of my view and because he felt that I was going through something because I refused to argue with him over it. We reconnected. He claimed to not remember what it was about. I chose not to remind him. It no longer mattered anyway. It was the past. This was the now.
Even in the now, I knew something was different. I just figured people change. People go through Facebook phases where they eventually don’t post as much or just leave Facebook all together. I figured this was him, but somewhere I knew. I SHOULD have known because I have seen it in me. The cries for help. The desperate attempts to get someone to notice, but because of my own “being lost” I ignored him. Maybe some of me was still in a place where I knew we weren’t the friend we once were. I honestly do not know. What I do know is hindsight is an evil part of life that makes you smack yourself in the head, because it is so obvious now. It is always so obvious after the fact.
My heart is broken but it is more so over a life that became so lost he felt he had no other choice but to end. For the fact that my own stubborn pride kept us from reconnecting sooner. I had thought about it, but I am stubborn as hell. My anger is not just over the situation but the fact that once again I am in a position where all I have is the regrets of everything that should have been and that sadness is not mine to hold because of the situation. Anger over the things that I keep saying that I’m going to do but that allow to just go the waste side because of…life.
We all know someone who is suffering in the darkness. If you see changes in someone, acknowledge them. If you sense something, investigate. I hate sayings like, “be the change,” but the truth is….one call, one gesture, one moment it truly can change everything.
I chose the above picture because J. MacLean actually wrote three pieces to go with three pictures that I had taken. This picture was one, the poem is the one it goes with. He submitted them, now I will never know how that turned out for him. He had planned on more, I suspect that it never came. I don’t know where you are in your life, but live it and find away to love it. Know if you are in the darkness, you are not alone even though I know it seems that way. I always listen to a stranger, so come to me if you need. Don’t let the darkness swallow you, don’t let it swallow someone you love. We never get the chance to go back.
Live, laugh, love, and let it ride.
~Montana Rose Photography~