I love this cat. I will miss this cat. He’s not gone, but I do not know if I will get to see him after Wednesday. My safe place is no longer that. It is not that I feel endangered, but everything it offered me was taken away in a minute by someone that felt a little too comfortable around me. Now, I am at a loss as to what to do.
All I ever really wanted to do was be at a place where I could spend time with horses (and other animals if available) and ride. That is all I wanted. It wore on me, because the two jobs I was going seven days a week with no breaks in-between. That would wear on anyone…even if it was something that they enjoyed.
The farm was my “safe” place. It was wear I could go and just be me. I rarely see anyone and I rarely have to deal with anyone. It eased my stress. It eased my anger. It eased my mind and I always found a way to be content. Now because of boos (not me, I do not drink), someone was too comfortable and made my safe place, uncomfortable and awkward. Even in the sober light, it was only made worse. Part of me knows that I should probably walk away, but the other part truly aches at not being able to see the animals anymore. Then there is the brain part of me that reminds me, I need the money and if I have to work two jobs….that is what I would rather being doing..working at the farm that is.
However, to stay in a situation like that. Where I am now uncomfortable and feel awkward. Even slightly fearful of what will become of the situation once embarrassment shifts into shame. I just want to work, spend time with the animals, and move on with my day. But now my day is also filled with anxiety and discontent as I think of all the things. Even what I did to provoke the moment. They were just words, but what did I do to indicate that it would even be acceptable to approach me? I have to admit that I am a bit naive, apparently. Trying to always believe that things are innocent. I feel like I really should have known better and that is my fault for putting myself in a position where it could even happen. My friend said that it is not, but I am not so sure.
I get it now. Maybe that was the lesson. To be more sympathetic to certain causes. Not that I was insensitive, but probably not as sensitive as I should be. I don’t know. All I know is that my stomach is a pit. My heart aches a bit. And I’m over 2018 and it is only May. Maybe I will feel better when I return from South Dakota, but I don’t know. Only time will tell.
Thank you for reading my plight. I hope that you have a beautiful day and tomorrow.
Montana Rose Photography