Archive | April 2018

Beautiful Eclipse….

DSC_3179His best side.  The poor guy has been laid up for a couple of weeks.  Stuck in a stall or in the round pen.  Unable to frolic about with the others.  Here’s to hoping that changes within the week.

Have a beautiful day and tomorrow.

Montana Rose Photography

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The Boo

DSC_2792.jpgI love this cat.  I will miss this cat.  He’s not gone, but I do not know if I will get to see him after Wednesday.  My safe place is no longer that.  It is not that I feel endangered, but everything it offered me was taken away in a minute by someone that felt a little too comfortable around me.  Now, I am at a loss as to what to do.

All I ever really wanted to do was be at a place where I could spend time with horses (and other animals if available) and ride.  That is all I wanted.  It wore on me, because the two jobs I was going seven days a week with no breaks in-between.  That would wear on anyone…even if it was something that they enjoyed.

The farm was my “safe” place. It was wear I could go and just be me. I rarely see anyone and I rarely have to deal with anyone.  It eased my stress. It eased my anger. It eased my mind and I always found a way to be content.   Now because of boos (not me, I do not drink), someone was too comfortable and made my safe place, uncomfortable and awkward.  Even in the sober light, it was only made worse.  Part of me knows that I should probably walk away, but the other part truly aches at not being able to see the animals anymore.  Then there is the brain part of me that reminds me, I need the money and if I have to work two jobs….that is what I would rather being doing..working at the farm that is.

However, to stay in a situation like that.  Where I am now uncomfortable and feel awkward.  Even slightly fearful of what will become of the situation once embarrassment shifts into shame.  I just want to work, spend time with the animals, and move on with my day.  But now my day is also filled with anxiety and discontent as I think of all the things.  Even what I did to provoke the moment.  They were just words, but what did I do to indicate that it would even be acceptable to approach me?  I have to admit that I am a bit naive, apparently.  Trying to always believe that things are innocent. I feel like I really should have known better and that is my fault for putting myself in a position where it could even happen.  My friend said that it is not, but I am not so sure.

I get it now.  Maybe that was the lesson.  To be more sympathetic to certain causes.  Not that I was insensitive, but probably not as sensitive as I should be.  I don’t know.  All I know is that my stomach is a pit. My heart aches a bit.  And I’m over 2018 and it is only May.  Maybe I will feel better when I return from South Dakota, but I don’t know.  Only time will tell.

Thank you for reading my plight. I hope that you have a beautiful day and tomorrow.

Montana Rose Photography

Long Road….

DSC_0957.jpgIt is only April and it has been a very long road. Which sometimes seems like the theme for my every year.  This year especially, though.

I would be lying if I said that I’ve not been struggling. For well over a year now. The last few months have just heightened it all.  The need to change. The need for there to be more than what is.  It has all made my restless heart even more restless.

My restless heart has the need to chase down wild horses.  Figuratively and literally.  Some of them live too far away, the ones on Assateague I’ve already seen, and the ones in South Dakota are slated for two weeks from yesterday.    I was originally supposed to go see the ones in Arizona, but that will not happen this year.  I had to use some of vacation and will not have enough to justify the length of the drive.  With that said, I’ve decided to go to South Dakota, because I haven’t already been there.  Since I’ve seen just about all I can, I decided to go ahead and splurge on a tour of the Black Hills Wild Horse Sanctuary.  I also use the term “wild” loosely.

I know that true wild horses are far and few in between.  I will stay off my soapbox, but…yeah.  I know that people do not see things the way that I do.  At least not a lot of people.  There are just certain practices regarding animals, wild horses, that truly annoy me.  But…I digress.

I forgot where I was going with that.  I have that problem a lot lately.  Focusing. Remembering.  Staying motivated.  It has been a struggle just to type what I have.  I am in severe need of getting right with my soul.  Here’s to hoping that I can accomplish that this trip around.  I don’t know about you, but for me…it always seems like the days leading up to vacation are the longest (and sometimes the most stressful) so I’m just kind of biting at the bit.

This picture is from last year’s trip.  It was pretty and well composed.  The sky was blue, grass was green…I was bored with it and so I played with it.  I like this version better, hope that you do too.

Have a beautiful day and tomorrow.

Montana Rose Photography

Lord, Won’t You….

DSC_1803.jpgBuy me a pony of my own.  I know that is not how it goes, but I’ve never had the need for a Mercedes Benz and I’ve already got a colored TV.  I’m also pretty sure if this particular Janis Joplin could sing she’d actually be asking for more hay or feed or even just a cookie.  I adore her.  She’s just too stinkin’ cute.  I call her buggy, but her name is Janis Joplin.  Sing it loud, Ms. Janis.

Have a beautiful day and tomorrow.

Montana Rose Photography

The Fighter….

DSC_2766That is what he was. Through and through.  Even when everyone had given up all hope, he kept on fighting.  Even when he was told he no longer qualified for treatments because they would not work, he kept on fighting.  He forced others to fight. Or at least encouraged them.  These are the things that were said during his service yesterday.  I could say that it is just what people say in those kinds of moments, but the truth is…it is actually the truth.

The picture of my uncle in his sunglasses, he is apparently pushing another man that is in a wheelchair.  They were in a Relay for Life, or something like that.  The man didn’t want to do it, I don’t think .  My uncle was relentless.

My uncle had been going to St. Louis for treatments and had two letters from them stating that there was nothing else they can do. The treatments were no longer working.  He kept fighting anyway and continued to tell everyone that he was fine.

There were not as many people at his memorial service like my other uncle.  I chalk it up to the fact that it was on a Monday.  The soonest that the funeral home could actually get to him.  The service was more like a Sunday morning sermon and not so much like a memorial service.  We sang hymns, the preacher read passages.  The preacher spoke to the life of my uncle, it was not open for anyone else.  My brother-in-law and I found this strange.  I couldn’t help but compare.  There were a ton of people at my Uncle Wayne’s funeral and only two people actually spoke.  My Uncle Mark’s there were many people, all of whom had something to say and not one that was given the opportunity.   Truth is, that is how he would have wanted it…he never did like a fuss.

I cannot say that I would have spoken.  I hate speaking to groups of people.  But I can write and this is what I would like to say:  He was a good man.  Especially, the older he got.  He made it a point to be around the family. He use to bring us animals and we weren’t suppose to tell dad.  He knew how important my first truck was to me. He knew how much I loved country music and would often make me CDs.  Even when he was feeling his worst, if he knew you were in town-he’d make it a point to see you…if even more a minute.  He could be tough, he could be strict.  He was a dad, I believe that is what most of them do. He was strong in his faith.  He loved to sing in the choir. I never knew that side, but the way he talked about it…it fulfilled something that was missing.  And he fought to the end.  He was the strongest man I knew.  He deserves that title, because it was a 9.5-10 year battle.

Even as I stood there by his graveside talking to cousins that I had not seen in months if not longer.  Having the same conversation with him that i had with my other set of cousins, I realized they were just words.  We can say that we will get together. That we won’t wait until the next funeral….the odds are, we won’t.  Not anytime soon.  It won’t be intentional, we really do have good intentions but life always has other plans.  I work two jobs, they work jobs and/or have kids.  Life is busy.  Life too often dictates and I know that I said that less than two months ago too.

I pondered why I could not cry more over Uncle Mark’s death, but I think that I’m numb and tired.  I also knew the day was coming and that he had to be tired.  In a way, we all lived with it.  He fought it, but we were always on a cliff waiting and wondering.  I know that probably makes me sound like a horrible person, but the pain and the stress that I saw my grandpa fight with. My dad. Just hearing about it and being reminded on a constant basis that his time was limited.  I am thankful that he lived as long as he did, most would have given up long-long ago.  I am glad that we had each passing day that he was still here, but I’m also glad that he no longer has to fight.  That he can finally be at rest.  That we can finally rest and start the healing so we can continue on.

I was reluctant to write those words, and hope that you do not judge me.  They are honest words and I’m nothing if I’m not honest.  I loved my uncle.  I did and I miss him dearly.  I don’t know what is next for our family. My grandmother is fading and my grandpa, the pain and stress-he, too, is exhausted.  I don’t know how we continue on, but I know that we have too.

I’ve also lost my train of thought.  I was hoping that if I wrote everything out that I would have some philosophical, deep moment with some serious words of wisdom.  They’d be forced.  This is my second loss in less than two months and right now it just doesn’t make sense. It just makes it painfully aware of how quickly the time is slipping away.  I know that we need to live each moment and take it day by day. We need to appreciate the little things…we all know those things.  What I don’t know…well that list is long. What I need is a moment to breathe…preferably one where it doesn’t hurt to do so.

If you took the time to read this, I thank you. It is appreciated.

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Have a beautiful day and tomorrow.

Montana Rose Photography