She walks through…

DSC_9028the Valley of Death with wings upon her back.  I have never seen that phrase actually written anywhere, but it has been playing in my head for weeks now.  I’ve been meaning to turn it into a poem, but I’ve yet to do so.  Maybe it is because I’m not entirely sure what it is supposed to mean.  Maybe I do and I just fight it, I don’t know.

This post will be long and probably too much for some, I don’t expect anybody to read it.  It is okay.    It’s going to be a little raw and too truthful…at least to an extent.  Again, I expect no one to continue past this point.  It is okay.

I often struggle with the darkness.  It engulfs me way more than the light.  My sister was told once that it is in at least small part to heredity, so I guess I have my genes to thank for my battles.  I try not to blame my “raising” on much, I feel that we have to own a lot of what we are.  I’m realizing that a lot of what I am is because of how I was raised, treated…still am.

Tomorrow I have to attend the burial of an uncle. Yet another one taken by cancer.  It has conflicted me in more ways that I would think would be necessary.  It has a divided a family really.  Over the last year, many things have been said about this particular uncle. One of whom at one time, I was quite close with.  The person whom chose to say these things….she told me a lot of things through my lifetime, over the last year…she has contradicted all of them and changed her story.  Now, I know not what is truth and what is not.  I also realized how what she said, shaped me and not necessarily in a good way.

I don’t think that we truly understand the impact of our words.  How what we can say to someone truly can stick with them. The kind of damage the wrong words can cause.  It is always said that it is on us. How it is react, that is on us.  How it is we take something, that it is on us.  Maybe, but is it really as simple as one would like to say?  I would say that it is much easier said than done.  I’ve tried to rise above, but those words are driven into my brain and reinforced by action.  Even the strongest have their weak points.

Now here I sit with desperation to make this year and all the future years so much better than they have ever been.  To spend a year truly finding me and becoming a much better me.  Yet here I sit, weeks into the new year and a heavy heart because apparently part of that is dealing with all the things that have broken me in the first place.

Why am I sharing this?  Truth is, I don’t know.  I’ve been struggling with blog posting, because I have been struggling with my photography…I think because I’ve been struggling with everything else.  My body aches due to injuries and the unexplained. I have been exhausted and when I look at my photography, I just do not have the energy.  Nor do I truly like what I see.  I feel like I’ve forgotten how to properly take a picture and how to properly edit a picture.  I know that this is probably all in my head, but it is why my post have been limited.   Not that I owe an explanation, but I felt like you deserved one.  I have so many followers and those that have been there since the beginning.  I thank each of you for that.

As for my uncle.  I know that some will be tempted to offer condolences.  Know that they are appreciated, but they are not for me to receive.  I am sad, but I am sad more for the time that has lapse since the last time him and I spoke.  It had been quite some time.  I am sad for the guilt that I feel as in my mourning is really my own selfish loathing.   I am sad for the fact that I am painfully aware of my own mortality these days.  I am sad that I honestly do not know how I should feel about him.  The man I knew is the one that I should be mourning, but the man he is being said to have actually been-that one does not deserved to be mourned.  I am sad for the fact that I have realized that family does not always stick together and that sometimes bridges burn without warning.

I write these words not for sympathy. I do not write them for empathy.  I write them purely for the sake of my own selfishness in attempts to heal in order to become the person that I know I can be that I’ve not been.   The person that so many others say they know.  I say them merely for the sake of saying them, I think.

Then I am taken back to my entrance.  “She walks through the Valley of Death with wings upon her back.”   When I think of this phrase and why it keeps playing in my head, I think that it is because of the darkness and the strength that it would take.  I constantly walk through the darkness and even when I want to, I never give in and I continue to rise above and carry on.  That I’m sure that I could not do without wings upon my back to hold me up.  That sounds ridiculously cheesy, I know but there it is.

If you have made it this far, I cannot express enough thank yous (and apologies).  If you unfollow my blog, I also would not blame you.  Not every post will be like this.  I am hoping that a new me will emerge and better posting and pictures will arise.  Only time will tell.  For now, I bid adieu.

Thank you again.  Have a beautiful day and tomorrow.

Montana Rose Photography

6 thoughts on “She walks through…

  1. I hope a new you will not emerge because you are good as you are. A thoughtful, attentive, no doubt caring person. Who’s path is muddy sometime or perhaps most of the times, but hey, that’s where wings are for. (I find the image of wings carrying you across the deepest of the ravines a wonderful one.) I am extremely old, 184 years to be precise, and what I learned is that knowing yourself is basicly accepting the core of your being, things you do your whole life long, things that apperently belong to your arsenal of behaviour. Knowing yourself is also insight in the way you appreciate that behaviour. That will differ throughout the years. What seemed right at 18 might not be appropriate when 184. There is not such a thing as a ‘new’ you. There is not such a thing as a ‘better’ you. You do change with the years, but the heart, that what defines you, will not.

    Oh… and… if I may be so bold to add: do mourn your uncle, whatever he might have been to others, he was something good in your life.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m still a few years shy of 184, but I echo much of what Peter says. You (all of us) are who you are, good or ill, but generally, most of us have more good than ill, and likely that was true of your uncle.
    Don’t change who you are, not that you need to or should, and the passage of time will lead you to look back and see the darker days as something you were strong enough to navigate and learn from. As for the photography and your blog – do what you can when you can, no rules, no pressure!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A couple of things. Everybody has self doubts about their work. Your picture is wonderful. Second, where I come from, they say to tell another human being… if somebody stops following you because of your honesty, that’s their problem. As far as mourning your uncle goes, do it. It’s part of your healing process, just like making pictures. 📷

    Liked by 1 person

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