40….

DSC_6310-2.jpgI sat on this for a bit before posting.  I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do. Do I just post the picture?  Do I write something?  I’m constantly saying that I want to get back into writing, but then I don’t.  Sometimes it is because I have nothing to say and others it is because I’m not really sure anyone cares what I have to say.  That is kind of the way life is, I think….at least for some.  We become lost and alone….even if it is within our own minds.

I know that is kind of a drab thing to say, but that is where my mind has been lately.  You see, I turned 40 on the 27th of November.  Most would never have guessed that.  To some, I still look 25-ish.  They apparently cannot see the grey hairs that and the lines.  I don’t always see them, but some days they are quite apparent.  Those are the days that I’m most tired and lost within my own mind.

See, it is not the 40 that gets me down.  Age has never really bothered me.  No, it has always been the place that I’ve ended up at that age.  Maybe that is really is the same thing.  Whatever the case may be, it is harder this year.  Harder, because I’ve realized that there are three little people that apparently look up to me.  Their aunt…the wild adventurer.  At least one of them wants to be like me.  For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why.  Then I realized….they only see the parts that I let them see.  The only parts that they need to see.  Alas, that makes it no better.

I’m hardly a roll model by any means and I would not want them to live the life that I have lived at all.  I do not want them to constantly struggle with money.  I do not want them to end up having to take fifteen steps backwards to get one step forward.  I do not want them having to constantly dream and never chase.  I do not want them to feel like they can never please people and therefore do not even try to please themselves for the fear of disappointing someone.  I do not want them to ever feel like they truly do not belong nor have anyone that truly cares.  I want them to not know the heartache of feeling alone even when they are actually not alone.  There is an ample amount of things that I want, and want not, for them.  All things that may be inevitable, because life can be such a fickle thing.

So, I wondered what I can do.  To be the type of roll model that they need, even if I cannot protect them from the things that life may throw at them.  Besides supporting them and encouraging them, I mean.  Probably…the best answer, I actually become the person that they believe I already am.  That free-spirited, wildly adventurer…the one filled with confidence and stands up for what she believes in.  Right now, I talk a big game….but truth be told, all of it comes with restrictions because I have become so lost and alone.  Always trying to figure out how to do this, how to do that, not chasing this because of set backs, not doing that because of the fear of disappointing someone.  Places I know we have all been at some point in time.  My story is not unique, I would not even begin to pretend that it is.

So, what I want most for them…those two beautiful little nieces and that wildly little nephew…I want to be the person that they truly can look up to.  Someone that they can be proud of and that means being a little bit more proud of me.  That sounds cliché and like words.  Someone always says them and I’ve said them many of times myself.  And it is always with good intentions, but then I get sucked back into the same old routine.  That is where I start.

I’m not going to make promises for this blog.  For my photography.  For myself.  Too many words have already been spoken.  I’m just hoping that for now…beautiful tomorrows and better days.

I will not apologize for my ramble, but will thank you from the utmost bottom part of my heart if you, for some reason, read through it all.  Have a beautiful day and tomorrow.

Montana Rose Photography

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