I have been absolutely horrible about keeping up with my blog and twitter accounts. I would like to apologize to my followers for that. I’ve just not had the moment for it. Using that word, “moment”, probably is not the correct word. It is not that I haven’t had time to post a picture. I just really haven’t felt like it.
I’m not entirely sure why I haven’t felt like it. Bored. Disheartened. Overwhelmed. A little bit like a tree that stand in the middle of nowhere by its lonesome, I supposed. A lot of nothing going on while everything is going on? Really not sure how to explain it.
A friend passed away almost a month ago now. I would like to blame that, but the truth is….it has really just had me thinking about my own mortality. I am sad that she passed, but I’m also sadder about what our friendship had become. She had been sick for quite sometime, but we were also co-workers and we had reached a point where we mainly griped about work.
She didn’t want to talk about being sick and that had consumed most of her time. I had become angry, because she was out multiple times a week and I’m the one that paid the price work wise. Since I didn’t know how sick she still was, because she always down played it, I became angry and frustrated with the fact that she was still on FMLA after three years. I’m angry at myself that I felt that way. I’m angry that we spent most our time just griping about work and that I wasn’t as there for her as what I feel that I should have been. But she felt that we were still good friends, because she had told her husband that we were close. And she said that was what friends did, “Listen to each other gripe.”
I’ve also been a little bored with my photography. I love my wild animals and horses, but it has gotten a little on the tedious side. Editing and tagging the pictures and feeling like they’re all quite similar. I know that gets boring. I’m just trying to share my work and I can only share what I have. There had not been a lot of opportunities for different types of work. It is also slightly because of what I’m drawn to, I’m sure. Just the same, I’ve been a little bored with the whole ordeal. I have some amazing followers and supporters whom continue to support and like my work, so I know this is on me. I’ve just not felt like doing it.
I’ve been painting a lot. That is not work I share, because it is not something that I’m good at. It wold be considered more abstract, because the extent of “figure” skills doesn’t extend much beyond stick figures and shapes….and even they are often questionable. My painting it is more like splattering paint on canvas and hoping that it comes out looking like something that I find semi-acceptable. But it doesn’t require me to actually think and focus or put a lot of thought into, so that is why I’ve been doing it. My few moments of solitude to where even my brain is slightly silent.
Writing, this has been the longest thing that I’ve written in quite a while. Between school, a brain that never shuts off, trying to figure out the next career step, the next life step, and a new part time job on top of my full time job…It just hasn’t left me a lot of time. It has left me longing desperately for solitude and a moment of silence.
The loss of my friend, has me thinking about life more so than usual because my 40th birthday is 20 days away. When I look back on the life I’ve lived, it doesn’t bring a smile. I’m not sure what all this means, or why I’ve chosen to write it down here. I know that this has been an occasional box in my blog. Something else that also becomes boring and aggravating. Not just for my readers, but for me…I hate being a broken record. And now…I’ve lost my train of thought. That dang thing is always getting away from me.
I will still post, I don’t know the direction or the frequency, but I will still being posting. If you choose to unfollow, I completely understand. If you choose to stay, then my gratitude and appreciation….well, there would not be words. Each of you rocks, no matter the decision. And I will always wish you a beautiful day and tomorrow.
Montana Rose Photography